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Chapter 48
Matt's life was just getting worse by the day, he thought. He wished he
had never tried to kiss Jen again. Why couldn't he just realize that it
wasn't going to happen? It was such a painful thought though, giving up on
her.
Plus he felt horrible about what he had done to Lauren. One time during
the class they had together she ran out of the room, crying. Her friends
all looked at him. What could he do?
It's not my fault, he had thought. She wanted it too. But he knew he had
taken advantage of her. And it wasn't him, he didn't want it like that.
Maybe that's why he couldn't face her. It just wasn't his style, as much
as he hated that expression.
His life was just so empty. Jen hated him. Lauren hated him. His friends
were assholes. He wasn't friends at all with Mike anymore. Mike hung out
with a different crowd now. His other friends were dorks. He thought about
one day when he had seen Jen during lunch. He hadn't seen her in awhile.
She was studying by herself in the library. She had taken all of her
braids out and was dressed nicer.
She looked up suddenly and caught his eye as he was staring at her from
across the library. She didn't look away, but he did. Then he walked away.
He wondered what it meant, if anything. He looked at the phone, thinking
about calling her, but quickly ruled that out. No way. And he didn't have
the energy to crank call her, plus, what if she had gotten her phone
tapped to find out who had done it? That would be so humiliating.
He thought about his friends. They were so impressed with the fact that he
had "nailed Lauren." They laughed at her. What jerks. No wonder they never
had any damn sex, he thought.
He wished he had friends like Jen had. Jen had great friends he knew, or
she had before she went wacko. Well, it wasn't fair for him to say she had
gone wacko. After all, he was totally out of the loop anyway. He wasn't a
part of her life one bit.
He wondered about when he went away to college. The way it stood now he
didn't have any friends that he would actually want to keep in touch with.
He didn't have a girlfriend either. Probably all the girls hated him, too.
After all, Lauren was really popular, and all her friends thought he was
scum. He wished he could move away, and start over, but that wasn't
likely. Plus he was bracing himself for when Jen moved away. It didn't
matter how much of a bitch he said she was, he still loved her. He always
would, he knew. He still thought about her constantly, and still pictured
them together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still couldn't help it.
At least now he had the option of seeing her around, but when she moved
away he wouldn't ever talk to her again. He wondered what it would be like
next year, all the time wondering where she was and what she was doing.
She wouldn't ever be thinking about Matt, except to remind herself of what
a mistake he had been, he thought, if that. I'm just a mistake, he
thought, his face crumpling as he began to cry. She'll always be my first
and I'll just be a fucking mistake, he thought.
A knock came on his door. Fuck, he thought, wiping his eyes on his
pillowcase.
"What?" he asked.
His mom came in. "Matt, th- what's the matter?" she asked, seeing his eyes
red.
"Nothing!" he told her.
She paused. "Well, someone's here to see you." "Who is it?" he asked.
Maybe it's Jen!
"It's Lauren."
"Oh." Lauren? he thought disappointedly. "Yeah, come down and see her."
"No. Tell her to come up here," he told her, nervous about his parents
eavesdropping.
His mom started to protest, but he interrupted, "We're not gonna do
anything, God Mom!" She sighed, leaving while he hurriedly wiped his eyes
again, praying she couldn't tell he had been crying. He lay on his bed,
trying to look casual.
He heard her coming up the stairs, his heart racing. He stared down at his
book until he heard her knock on his open door.
He looked up, then sat up. "Hi," he said. She walked in, looking nervous.
She looked around, then closed his door.
"I just wanted to tell you," she began, "that I think what you did to me
really fucking sucks!" He sat there, stunned.
"I'm sorry," he told her, honestly.
"No you're not!" she told him, her eyes flashing with anger. "You're so
damn selfish it isn't even funny. I thought you were cool, but now I see
that you're just a jerk. You wouldn't even return my calls, so I had to
come over here myself to tell you that. That's all I wanted to say," she
broke off, her voice wavering. "No, wait. Don't leave," he said, jumping
up. "Why?" she demanded, angry. "What? You just wanna fuck me again?" She
started to cry.
"No, Lauren, I'm sorry!" he insisted. "I am, I mean it. Really."
"Oh, yeah Matt!" she cried. "Matt, wanna make love?" she said, imitating
him sarcastically.
That hurt him. That had been what Jen had said to him. "No!" he said. "No,
I'm serious. I am sorry, really I am."
She shook her head. "I was so stupid to think you were cool."
"I'm sorry," he told her simply. "That's all I can say. I wish
you would believe me, 'cause if I had to do it all over again I never
would have done that to you. Honest, Lauren."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him. "Why? You got a fuck." "No, I don't care about
that. Because, then it was different, and you were gone..." he told her,
just now realizing that he had missed her.
"Yeah, you were different and made me gone!'" "It was different..." he
repeated awkwardly, not having planned out anything to ever say to her as
an explanation.
"You made it different." She looked at him. "Were you crying? Why are your
eyes all red?" she demanded. "No, I was sleeping," he lied.
She kept looking at him, knowing he was lying. "Why were you crying?" she
asked him quietly. He looked away, shrugging. "I dunno. My life sucks I
guess."
"Really?" she asked, sounding touched by his tears. Then she got angry
again. "Oh, like mine doesn't! You're not really sorry."
"Yes I am!"
"No you're not!" she insisted, bursting into tears again. She sat down on
his bed, sobbing. Matt didn't know what to do. He looked around his room,
so unused to having a girl in it. He was sorry, but he knew she probably
wouldn't ever believe him. He looked at her, amazed that someone was this
hurt, over him.
Looking around his room again, he spotted something on his dresser and got
up, on an impulse. He picked up the glass long-stemmed rose, which he had
gotten from a glassblower at Disneyland a few years back, out of the mug
he kept it in. He walked back over to her, holding it out in front of her.
She was still crying, her face in her hands. He felt like a fool holding
it there while she ignored him. He touched her shoulder, and she looked up
slowly, wiping her eyes.
"What's that?" she asked him, sniffling. He shrugged, feeling even more
like a fool. He had thought it might make her feel better, like maybe it
was the sort of gesture a girl would appreciate. He didn't know, he didn't
know anything about girls, he thought. "It's for you," he told her.
She took it, bursting into tears again while she looked down at it.
"I-I guess I'd get you a real one if I could," he told her. "I'll get you
a real one tomorrow," he added. She continued crying, her makeup smeared
around her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.
"Nah, don't say thank you to me. I'm a jerk. I told you I'm sorry. I mean
it, I really do," he said, sitting next to her.
"Oh, Matt..." she cried.
He took her in his arms, hugging her while she sobbed on his shoulder. It
felt kinda nice, he thought. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't know how
to act. Will-will you give me a second chance?" he asked. "I mean, you
don't have to."
She pulled away, wiping her eyes again with her free hand, the other still
holding the glass rose. "I don't know," she said.
"I am sorry. And I never lied when I said I really liked you," he told
her. He realized how easily she could remind him of how he had lied when
he had said he loved her, so much worse.
But she didn't. Lauren just looked at him sadly. She sighed, then gave him
a small smile. "My friends are gonna kill me," she told him. "But,
okay..." He grinned at her, giving her another hug. They laughed as he was
careful of not breaking the flower she held between them.
"Good, let's start over," he smiled at her. "You know, I understand if you
don't want to be with me again."
She shrugged. "We'll see. But you're right, let's just start over. I'm a
virgin," she laughed. He hugged her again.
Chapter 49
"Jen!" exclaimed Karen. "Hi, how are you?" she asked, surprised to see
her.
Jen smiled, leaning over to give Ryan's mother a hug as she sat in the
chair. "Fine," she told her. "Wish I could say the same, but..." Karen
told her with a sad smile.
"He'll be okay," Jen said positively.
"We're praying," Karen told her. "Where's Robby?" she asked Ryan.
"He's at home. He'll be okay," he answered. "Where's Dad?"
"He's getting coffee for us."
"Oh." Ryan sat down in the chair in the waiting room. Jen sat next to him,
tired, but deep down feeling a rush of adrenaline that she was with him
again. She looked around the room, hating the sight of the shiny linoleum
floors and the feel of the chair beneath her. "Ryan, I wished you would
have stayed with Robby," his mother told him. "I don't like the thought of
him home alone right now."
"Well, I wanted to be here. He'll be okay by himself."
She didn't answer, instead looking over as her husband came back with the
Styrofoam cups of hot coffee. JR seemed very surprised to see Jen.
"Well hullo there Jen," he said, sitting down. "How are you?"
She smiled, shrugging.
"Yeah, me too," he told her, pouring sugar into his cup.
"You want something to eat?" Ryan asked her, getting up. "I'm kinda
hungry."
It seemed a millennium ago that she had eaten that cereal. "Yeah, kinda."
"Where's the food?" he asked his dad.
His dad told him.
"You stay here?" Ryan asked her, looking at the tired figure in the chair.
She nodded, and he smiled at her as he walked away.
She looked over at his parents across from her. "So, how is he?" she asked
them.
"Well," said JR. "He's still unconscious which isn't really a good sign.
He's also hemorrhaging--bleeding--in his brain, and he's got some extra
fluid in there which they had to drain. He's got a nasty bump on the head
you could say..." he told her wryly.
"He's very strong," she told him. "He can pick me up anyways," she smiled.
"But he'll be okay. I'm sure of it."
He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, long time no see huh Jen?"
She smiled shyly.
JR smiled at her back. "That's aright. We really appreciate you being
here," he told her. "We do," agreed his wife. "You know you're like
family."
"Thanks," she said.
"Ryan took Robby home," Karen told her husband. "I think he'll be okay by
himself for awhile." JR nodded. "Ryan didn't want to stay at home," he
said, thinking out loud.
"No. That's okay." She added to Jen, "Ryan feels guilty you know."
"Why?" Jen asked.
"Oh, he thinks he should have picked him up at baseball practice." She
shook her head. "He's never picked him up at baseball practice," she said,
rolling her eyes as if to say, "That's Ryan for you." "Well, it's not his
fault."
"Yeah, you know the driver was here for awhile too. He brought him some
flowers; we put them in his room. He feels really bad too. It wasn't his
fault," she told her. "Oh really?" Jen had been wondering about that.
"Yeah, looks like it was Will's fault," she sighed. "Anyway, he came by
with his wife. Very nice man." Jen nodded, thinking. She stared down at
the pattern on the floor, her vision blurring as her eyes filled with
tears.
She didn't see the doctor walk into the little alcove. She jumped when she
heard him talk to Ryan's parents, her heart racing.
"Well, your son's conscious," he told them. His mom breathed a sigh of
relief, sinking down into her chair.
"Thank God," said JR.
"He's still needs to be in the ICU. He's still got more fluid in his skull
that we need to worry about." "Can we see him?" asked Karen, standing up.
"Yes, but just for a moment."
"Ryan's not back yet," Jen noticed. "I'll go get him. I have to tell him!"
She walked briskly down the hall in the direction where JR had said the
vending machines were. She rounded the corner and nearly bumped into him,
carrying bags of chips and sodas.
She grabbed his arm. "Ryan, he woke up! Will woke up!"
His face lit up. "What'd they say? Is he gonna be okay?"
"I think so," she told him as they raced towards his room. "I don't know
but I think so."
They went into his room. Ryan had been right, Will looked horrible. He was
very pale and not smiling at all, the only one in the room not wearing a
huge grin. "My head hurts," he muttered.
A chill ran down her spine as she looked into his eyes, the whites red
with blood.
She gave him a hug, gently.
"Hi Jen," he said. He closed his eyes.
"Hi Will. You better be okay," she told him. "We have some serious
unfinished Sega business..." He nodded. "Where's my board?" he asked
suddenly, opening his eyes.
"Don't worry, your board has been rescued," said Ryan.
Karen was crying, holding his hand as she sat in the chair next to his
bed.
"You feeling okay, honey?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"I know, baby, I know," his mom whispered, rubbing his hand.
Jen tried not to cry but couldn't help it. Ryan hugged her, his chin
resting on her head as she choked back sobs. Even JR was blinking back
tears. "Why's Jen crying?" she heard Will ask. She pulled away from Ryan,
wiping her eyes. "'Cause I'm happy I guess," she told him, sniffling.
"Well don't cry Jen," he muttered. "Only sad people cry."
She nodded, smiling down at him in the bed. Ryan wrapped his arms around
her, pulling him to her again. "I hafta go to the bathroom!" Will whined.
"You guys hafta leave!"
They laughed, Ryan and Jen walking out of the room. They stood in the
hall, and he hugged her again. She closed her eyes, leaning against him
and melting in his strong arms. God it felt good to be with him again. It
was so right, there was no way she could deny that.
Finally she pulled back. Ryan was crying too. "He's gonna be okay!" she
whispered, smiling at him. He nodded. "I know." He reached out and wiped
her tears away with his cuff.
"I know he is..."
He nodded again. "That's not why I'm crying," he told her.
"Me neither," she answered, smiling. She went back into his arms, her eyes
closed again.
"I love you Jen," Ryan told her.
"I love you too," she whispered.
Ryan hugged her tighter. She opened her eyes, seeing JR standing there in
the hall across from them, finishing his coffee.
He smiled at her.
She smiled back, then closed her eyes again.
Chapter:
Preface
01-03
04-06
07-09
10-12
13-15
16-18
19-21
22-24
25-27
28-30
31-33
34-36
37-42
43-47 48-49
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