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Chapter 28
Ryan lay in bed, his mouth sore where Jen had hit him. He started to cry,
but couldn't get many tears out. It was over, he'd blown it.
He began to think of all the times they'd had together, trying to remember
what it felt like when she was still his. He hadn't appreciated that
feeling enough when he'd had it, he knew. But now it was too late. Jen
hated him.
He thought back to one Sunday last fall, when they were watching the
football game, lying on his bed. They'd been so stressed last fall, with
applying to college. They'd fought a lot, about other things, but mainly
it was due to the stress. Both were considering the possibility of
different schools. They had different goals anyway. He felt he was losing
her whenever she'd say how it wouldn't hurt their relationship too much to
be apart geographically. It was so upsetting to him, he'd sort of assumed
she would go with him. But of course he wanted her to be happy, and she
should go wherever she wanted.
But that day they hadn't fought once. They'd gone out the night before,
eating dinner and seeing a movie. They came back late, sneaking into his
house so as not to wake anyone up. It was so perfect, giggling in bed and
making love for hours while they tried to be quiet. Then Sunday morning
his parents made a huge breakfast. She was so much a part of the family,
he thought. She's like a sister, but of course not to me. She's my best
friend. Or she was, he thought painfully.
Then they lay on his bed, just relaxing, watching the game. He'd thought
about her, next to him, how much he loved her, and how scared he was that
he would lose her. "Marry me," he'd said suddenly.
She looked at him. "What?"
"Marry me," he repeated.
She'd held her left hand out, moving her ring finger, his ring
always there. "What's this?" she'd asked him gently. He'd rolled over,
looking deep into her eyes. "No, I mean, now.
Before college."
"Ry! We can't get married yet," she'd said. "Why not?" he'd asked her.
"Because," she'd sighed. "I don't want to yet." "But, then if we go to
different schools, you'll still be mine. .
. "
"Ryan! No. I will be yours anyway, got it? It doesn't matter where we go
to school."
He'd sighed.
"Ryan," she'd said gently, hugging him. "When we get married,
that's it. We're never going to live apart after that. Right?" she'd asked
him in a small voice. "I know. But I'm just scared it'll be different,
that you'll meet someone else..."
"Well, I'm scared you will too."
He'd shook his head furiously. "No, Jen! I won't! I promise."
"I could never love anyone else. Comprende?" He'd nodded. They looked at
the TV for a second, which was showing one of the player's wives, with
their small son.
"What if you got pregnant?" he'd asked her suddenly. She'd paused. "Then
I'd want to get married now." "You wouldn't want to have an abortion?"
"Ryan, no! You know I don't believe in abortion!" "Yeah, me neither."
"I could never kill a part of me," she'd told him quietly. "And
especially, I could never kill your child, our child."
"Oh, I know. I was just asking. God, Jen, if you got pregnant I'd marry
you so fast you wouldn't believe it!" She smiled at him. "You'd better
marry me, boy!" "I would," he promised. "I will."
Then Robby came in, without knocking again. It was the third time he'd
walked in on them since they'd been watching the game. He's trying to
catch us doing something, Ryan had told her.
"What's the score now?" he'd asked, casually. "The same," Ryan had told
him. "If you're so interested in the game, why don't you watch it?" Robby
had paused. "You mean, with you?" "No, not with us! In the living room."
"Ry!" Jen had laughed. "You can watch it with us if you want Robby," she
told him.
"No he can't. We're talking," said Ryan. "Close the door on your way out,"
he told Robby.
"Fine!" he said, sullenly. "Wait, not!" he'd added over his shoulder,
leaving the door partially open. He slammed his own, next door.
"Whatta brat!"
"Ry, you're so mean..."
"I am not! I swear, he's just in here to spy on us. He's trying to catch
us doing something. He's such a little pervert."
She laughed. It was true.
Ryan started moaning, quietly, while Jen asked what he was doing. He began
groaning, saying, "Yes! Oh God, yes!" loudly. Laughing, she told him to
stop. He didn't, still moaning and groaning. He got into it, shouting out
her name and screaming, "Yes!!!" over and over at the top of his lungs. He
began bouncing on the bed, then jumping on it, knocking the headboard
repeatedly into the wall he and Robby shared. She laughed so hard she
nearly cried, though thoroughly embarrassed. His parents could probably
hear!
And they did; soon his dad came into the room while Ryan was still jumping
on the bed, groaning and yelling her name.
"What is going on?" asked JR, amused but annoyed as well.
Jen, still laughing, hid her head under a pillow as Ryan fell down on the
bed, sitting next to her. "Oh, nothing," he'd said.
"Well, keep it down. And don't jump on the bed, will ya? That's something
I'd have to tell Will not to do, aright?"
"Sure, no problem," he'd said.
His dad, shaking his head, closed the door. "Dork!" Jen had called him,
laughing.
"What? I bet Robby got two, three good wanks outta that!" he'd told her
with a grin.
"Oh, you're so bad," she'd teased. "Were you that perverted?" she'd asked.
"Sure!"
"I wanna know what you did," she'd teased. "Oh, I had the magazines. And
the fantasies. And my right hand. Sometimes my left when my right got
cramped. The usual."
"I wanna see you do it," she'd whispered to him. "What? Oh, not this
again. Later, huh?" "Okay," she'd sighed. "I'm just teasing you..." "Nuh
huh! I know you like it," he told her with a naughty smile.
She'd smiled back, blushing a bit.
Laying on his bed, by himself, Ryan thought about that day, and
how much she hated him now. He wanted to kill himself again. He had for
awhile.
Chapter 29
Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call Dana, but hung up
before she even dialed. Dana didn't understand her as much anymore. Jen
thought she might be disgusted with her for sleeping with Matt. She'd
never said that though, just been shocked when it had happened. Jen knew
Dana wanted her to take Ryan back. Never, thought Jen. But she wasn't as
convinced as she told herself she was. However, she was starting to get an
idea that her life might continue without him, that she wouldn't die. For
the ten thousandth time she recalled what had happened...
It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had happened. Almost
March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just gotten a scholarship to his first
choice school. Jen had applied there too, but hadn't heard yet whether or
not she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it seemed, that
she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she wanted to go out of state. They'd
fought about that, his not seeming to care, nor listening to her when she
talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had been accepted, he
kicked back a bit more, cutting school and partying more. He'd gotten mad
when she bugged him about that too.
But they made up. They always did, of course. But he still didn't change
much. She thought maybe they were breaking up. She was petrified he was
going to say they shouldn't limit themselves when at school, that maybe
they should see other people. He hadn't said that though. Not yet, she had
thought.
Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out anyway. Once when
she was at track she nearly fainted. She had only a tiny lunch, she told
herself. She refused to think about other possibilities. But she couldn't
ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom with her tampons in it seemed to
yell at her whenever she had gone in there. She hadn't opened the drawer
in almost six weeks.
A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately. Instead she called
Dana, and they talked. She made an appointment with the doctor. She had to
be sure first. The earliest appointment was Tuesday. All weekend she felt
sick, sick to her stomach. He came over on Friday night, and he was sweet
to her, making her dinner. He hadn't stayed long though, she thought
bitterly. After all, she thought, he wasn't going to get any, not with her
feeling sick. Maybe if he had stayed she would have told him. But he
hadn't, so she didn't. Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called
him, and he wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all day she
waited, but he never did. She called again, and he still wasn't there.
Will sounded annoyed that she'd called again. That made her even more
depressed. Finally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana agreed, and
promised to come over the next day with the test. Plus, Dana told her,
then you will have talked to Ryan, and he can come over.
But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back. Depressed, she
finally agreed to take the test with Dana there instead. I'm sure he's
just really busy, Dana told her.
She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown paper bag. It was
white, with pink and blue letters. "This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana,
holding back tears. "This fucking sucks."
"It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will be okay." She
read her the instructions. Echh, she had to pee on the stick.
She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They had to wait five
minutes.
"You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't."
"Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be negative."
She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off school for a year
though," she whispered. "He said he wanted to get married now anyway,
before we went to school..." "See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will
all work out. Ryan loves you so much. Come on, it's a beautiful thing,"
she told her, although she knew it sounded corny. Hell, even she didn't
believe it. Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile. Four
minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana gulped, getting up and
going into the bathroom. Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears.
She felt like she was going to throw up. God, please, she prayed.
Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out, holding the white
plastic stick. A line meant positive, no line, negative.
Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!" Dana paused. "It's positive,
Jen."
Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a boulder. Or that
someone had slapped her. "Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow.
Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best friend in her arms
while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she thought. Where the hell is he?
Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her eyes open,
staring at nothing. She thought about it, remembering the conversation
where Ryan had said he'd marry her. She was still miserable though. Where
was he? "Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the blanket. "You
rest. I'll be right back." She left, closing Jen's door.
She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's number in the phone
book, and dialed.
His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan there?" she
asked.
"No."
"Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded. "I don't know! I think he's
at baseball practice." "Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets
home, okay? Or to come over."
"Sure."
"Don't forget!"
"I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!" "Good. Good-bye."
"Bye."
She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana comforted her
again for awhile, while she sniffled and cried.
The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it. "Hello?" she asked.
"Ryan! Where have you been? I called
you yesterday twice and you never called me back... No, I said you could
call late!... Well, please come over now. Now!... We need to talk... Six?
Can't you come earlier?... Aright, but please come over... No, I'm not
pissed at you!... Aright, bye..." She hung up. "He's gonna come over at
six," she told her. "In like, an hour."
Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who thanked her and cried.
Six o'clock came around. Then 6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He didn't come.
She called him again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out, said his dad.
She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently, and she called him
again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed up. She tried not to scream. Crying,
she laid in bed. At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat.
She heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling her name as he
came down the hall. He opened the door, and walked in. Darius, one of his
friends, followed him into her dark room, illuminated only by the
television.
"Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd be here at six!
It's almost eleven! And we need to talk alone."
"Sorry! I needed a ride."
She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?" "Nah, just buzzed.
Well, maybe drunk," he laughed. "I said we need to talk alone," she
repeated, looking pointedly at Darius.
"Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius. "Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan.
"Wait in the fucking car, will ya?" He left.
"Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he was being like
this, the opposite of what she needed. "What? What is up?" he asked her.
"We need to talk," she told him, flipping on the light. She squinted from
the bright light. "Yeah, you already said that! Luckily, I have a voice
box so that is made possible. Hey, why are you crying? What, 'cause I'm
late?"
"You said you'd be here hours ago! Why do you have to be drunk? And you
never called me back yesterday," she whined. "Well, I'm sorry. I was
busy." He didn't sound sorry. "And why shouldn't I drink? I'm happy!" She
let it slide. Instead she got up, pulling the box out of the garbage and
tossing it to him. He read it. "What is this, this test?" he asked slowly.
"Ryan," she whispered. "I'm pregnant..." It was good to get it out, now
surely he would comfort her. But that's not what happened. He looked at
her for a second, then snapped, "Well this is just fucking bullshit!"
"Ryan!" she gasped.
"What d'ya mean, 'I'm pregnant?'" he demanded. "What? I-I'm pregnant.
Like, gonna have a baby!" He paused. "What are you going to do with it?"
She stared at him. "What do you mean, what am 'I' going to do with it?!?
What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, what the hell are you going to do? Are you going to have an
abortion or not?"
She sucked in her breath, her lungs filling with air. "NO I'M NOT GOING TO
HAVE AN ABORTION!!!!" she screamed at him. "What's your problem?!?"
He jumped up. "My life was going so good right now! I can't afford a kid."
"Oh, so it's all my fault, is it?"
"Yes. Maybe it is."
"Why?!? What, I got myself pregnant? What's your fucking problem?"
He looked at her. "You fucking did this on purpose, didn't you Jen?"
"What?" she whispered.
"You did this to keep me with you, to keep me from going somewhere else,
huh?"
"Fuck you!" she screamed. "How dare you say that shit to me! How could you
think I would do that?!?" "Oh, yeah sure. Good move there. Real smooth.
Maybe we should be considering our future anyway. I mean, we are moving
away and all."
"What?" she gasped. "You're fucking breaking up with me?!? You fucking
asshole!" she screamed. "I didn't say that!" he yelled at her. "So, how
long has it been?"
She seemed disoriented. "I don't know, like, a month maybe."
"Oh really? I wasn't even here a month ago! I went to UCLA with my
parents! So, whose kid is this?" "You, are the biggest fucking prick I
have ever met in my life!!!" she sobbed. "Goddamn you James Ryan Harper!"
"Do you think I'm going to sit around and raise someone else's brat?!? I
don't think so! Goddamn you Jen! I have worked too hard to get where I am
right now. Too hard, got it?" he screamed, slurring his words.
She just stared at him. No longer crying, she was filled with anger. "Get
out of my house!!!" she told him. "Get the fuck out!!!"
He closed his eyes for a second. "Listen, I'm leaving. I'll call you
tomorrow," he told her calmly, stumbling as he walked to her door.
"No you won't!" she yelled. "Fuck you!" He waved her away with his hand.
She sat down on her bed, her only thought being she needed to die. I'm
gonna kill myself, she thought. Then he'll be sorry. I'm gonna fuckin'
kill myself! She lay on the bed, nearly hyperventilating, as she thought
of how many pills she had at her disposal, and bleach.
The phone rang. She stared at it. She snatched it up angrily.
"Hello?" asked Dana's voice. "Hello?"
She sobbed into the phone, crying that she was going to kill herself. Dana
freaked out, finally getting Jen to calm down enough to promise that she
would stay right there until Dana could get there, and not to do anything.
She had stayed at Dana's house the next day, Dana's mom keeping an eye on
her while she went to school. She just told her that Jen was really sick,
and to check on her often. Dana was scared Jen would kill herself while
her parents were at work. Dana and Jen went to the doctor like planned,
and she received some counseling about her options.
She was still severely depressed, but Dana took care of her as she stayed
over that night, making sure she showered, and ate, and did her homework.
Ryan never called.
Wednesday she went back home with Dana, wondering if there would be a
message from Ryan on her machine. There were several hang-ups, but it
didn't mean it was Ryan, she thought. Then there was one from her doctor.
"Hi, Jen, this is Dr. Mason. I'm calling about the results of your test. I
know you took a home pregnancy test that indicated you were in fact
pregnant, and, but we checked your sample several times, and they all came
out negative..."
Jen screamed, gasping while the message continued. Dana hugged her.
"... Now there does seem to be an excess of a certain type of hormone,
which might lead to a positive result on certain types of tests. We should
discuss possibly moving you to a different kind of contraceptive, so
please call me..."
Dana was hugging her, and Jen was crying, so relieved.
"Oh my God, oh my God!" she gasped. "I can't believe it! Oh thank you
Jesus!" Then she started to sob.
That night Jen stayed home by herself, doing her homework and pondering
her life. It had changed her. She was different now, even from who she was
a week ago. She hated Ryan, that much she knew. No one had ever hurt her
as much as he had. He was selfish. It was over with him; she'd never hated
anyone so much in her life, she told herself over and over. Part of her
screamed that she was nothing without him, but she pushed those thoughts
aside. He still hadn't called. I hate him, she thought fiercely.
She looked at her college catalogs, with the pictures of the laughing
people at the games, and in the dorms. She began to get excited, ignoring
the dull ache in her heart. She thought of all the guys she would meet. Me
and Ryan were too serious, she told herself. It's good we broke up, she
thought, even though she didn't believe it.
The phone rang. Maybe it's Ryan, she thought. She kicked herself for
thinking that.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Jen, I'm sor..." Ryan's voice started to say. She hung up on him before
he could finish.
Holding her pillow tightly and crying, she lay on her bed, hating him. How
could she take him back when she hated him? She would never forgive him.
He didn't really love her. He couldn't. He just liked to fuck her. It rang
again. She let the machine pick up. "Jen, I know you're there. Come on, we
need to talk. Please? I'm sorry I wasn't very understanding..." She
snatched up the phone. "Understanding? Understanding? Well isn't that the
understatement of the century!" she screamed at him.
"Jen, I'm sorry! I was drunk, I didn't know what I was thinking," he
begged. "I'm sorry babe!" "Oh, no," she said calmly. "I don't think so.
What ever happened to not excusing someone's behavior because they were
drunk? Don't you remember saying that to me? Remember Brett?"
"Come on, please. It's me, Ryan! We need to talk about this."
"Screw you."
"Come on!"
"Fuck you. We're through," she snapped, hanging up on him.
He didn't call back. He called Dana instead, but she yelled at him,
telling him he was scum before she hung up on him too.
Chapter 30
Matt had tried to forget about Jen after that night when they'd played
poker, and told himself he had. He didn't see her anymore at Mike's. He
asked another girl, Lindsay, to Homecoming. He liked her too. But he
didn't ask her out, and eventually they stopped talking. But Jen was
always in the back of his mind, whenever he saw her he felt the same rush
of nervousness, feeling sick to his stomach. One time during lunch, she
walked by his group on her way to the parking lot. One of his friends said
something about her, about her looks or something. Darin told them Matt
was in love with her, and that she'd told him he had pretty eyes. Matt was
humiliated, and felt sick again, when his friend, Michael (not Mike)
grabbed her backpack as she walked by, saying, "Hey Matt! Look, it's your
girl!" All his friends had laughed. She totally ignored them. She hates
me, thought Matt.
He was pissed at Mike, too, because he found out from Darin that Mike had
told Jen Matt had a crush on her. She never talked to him though. She must
think I'm a dork, he thought, always insecure. He prayed he wouldn't see
her much anymore.
But in the beginning of February she was on his track team, and he was
elated inwardly. He knew he was going to start liking her again, although
he had to admit he hadn't ever stopped. But he didn't want to like her,
after all, it was pointless. He'd spent too much time already pining away
after her.
But he was still happy, and he talked to her sometimes, hoping she
wouldn't laugh at him. She got sick once, and didn't come to school for
three days in a row. He was disappointed. Mike said she was so sick she
was at his house. Matt was jealous. But on Thursday she came to school,
and they had a track meet, the first one of the year. It was just a
practice meet. She was very quiet, and didn't smile at all. She must be
sick still, he thought. She did her event, the hurdles, but came in second
to last. She didn't look like she tried very hard, or even cared. His
parents came to watch him run towards the end. Jen was still being quiet,
sitting by herself on the grass. His mom and dad were talking to some
other parents, and Matt, Michael, and Terry sat and watched the final
events next to them. Matt watched Jen though, instead. What's the matter?
he thought. He wanted to give her a hug.
Terry noticed Matt staring at her, and laughed. "Hey Jen!" he yelled. Matt
freaked, telling Terry to shut up. He didn't though. "Come here!" he
yelled at her. She looked over at them, then looked away. "Hey Jen," Terry
yelled. "Matt has something to say to you!"
His parents were watching too, interested, and Matt felt like he was going
to throw up. He kept telling them to shut up. Jen looked over again, and
Terry yelled for her. She slowly got up and walked over to them. Matt
didn't look at her.
She stood in front of him. "You wanted to say something to me?" she asked,
slowly.
He shook his head, then looked away. She stared at him for a second,
annoyed.
"Yuh huh you do!" laughed Terry. "He wants to tell you that he loves you."
"Shut up! I do not love you," he told her, rudely. She raised her eyebrows
at him, and started to walk away.
"No, wait Jen! Come back. Matt's just too shy to tell you how he really
feels."
She stood there still, sighing. She looked so tired. "Matt has a boner for
you," added Michael. "He has wet dreams
about you."
Matt's head spun. He was so humiliated. And his parents were right there,
listening! "Shut up," he mumbled.
"Are you a virgin?" asked Terry. "Because Matt wants to know if you'll
sleep with him."
She rolled her eyes at him, looking sad. "Shut up!" Matt said. "She has a
boyfriend," he added, hoping they would leave her alone. She looked at
him. "No I don't," she said, sounding disgusted at him. "I don't have one
anymore." His eyes widened. "You broke up?" he asked, incredulously. Why?
he wondered. That's probably why she was gone.
She nodded.
"So, it's your big chance Matt!" said Terry. "He wants you bad," he told
her. "Will you let him fuck you?" "Fuck off," she said over her shoulder,
walking away. Did she mean for him to fuck off too? he wondered. She
probably did. See, he thought, she hates me! She knows I like her and now
she hates me. His parents were quiet. Thank God they didn't say anything.
He sat there, hating his friends and his life until it was time to leave.
He called Mike, wanting to find out what had happened. Mike hadn't known
they'd broken up, and he didn't believe it.
"She was probably kidding," he said.
"But she looked really sad," he told him. "Hmm. I'll find out from Dana
when she gets home. Hey dude, my parents are going away this weekend. I
think Dana's having a party. Wanna come?"
"Sure!" he answered. Did he ever!
Chapter:
Preface
01-03
04-06
07-09
10-12
13-15
16-18
19-21
22-24
25-27 28-30
31-33
34-36
37-42
43-47
48-49
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