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Chapter 37
Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had called her, and
feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan again. She was happier that he had
called; she'd given him Melissa's number but hadn't really expected him
to. He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he told her. He
had lost the directions. Jen wondered if she would have slept with Kasey
instead of Matt if he had showed up. Well, she was sure she wouldn't have
slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still. Why had she slept with
Matt? She remembered some sentimental feelings that he had a crush on her,
but now what she had been thinking was growing even fuzzier and fuzzier by
the day of course, not that it had ever been clear. It would have been so
much different if it had been Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was
relieved he hadn't gone to the party, though she kept telling herself she
wished he had. Because if it had been Kasey instead, she wouldn't have
been in charge, and maybe that was what she wanted. She just wanted to
take him, like he was the girl and she was the guy. It had been wonderful
though, physically, and the fact that it wasn't Ryan added a whole new
dimension. A whole new world opened up to her.
She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't exactly; it had
hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted. But it wasn't like she had used
him like that. Plus, she knew, he had gotten what he wanted. Maybe they
had used each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just because we
did it didn't mean I used him. It just happened, she thought, we both got
pleasure out of it, and that's that.
She pushed away any guilty feelings, telling herself that people had
casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't she? Why should she have to deal
with love all the time? Sex was a natural thing, and humans were animals,
and animals did each other all the time without dealing with love.
She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She felt so free; now
that she was "single" she felt like she had been released from something,
something which she kept telling herself was false and detrimental.
He was different from Ryan, that's for certain. And he liked her too. She
hadn't ever pictured herself going out with someone like him. He was
popular at his school, she knew, but he wasn't into sports nor really
ambitious and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even made an attempt
to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told him what had happened. At
first she was sort of annoyed that he didn't seem to care, but then she
was happy about it. After all, did she want a guy who was so hottempered
he flew off the handle at every little thing? Of course not.
His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she didn't fit in and they
knew she didn't. He had said he was going to a show that weekend, and she
wondered if she was invited. She'd have to get something to wear of
course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city. She mentioned it
when she showed up at his house. There were a few other people there, and
he just shrugged, saying who knew what they would do. His friends looked
over at her, and she felt stupid, like it was obvious they never planned
things in advance. She thought about it, and decided that was the right
attitude. After all, spontaneity was fun, planning was anal. Relax, Jen,
she told herself.
They passed around a joint, and she did relax.
Chapter 38
Matt hardly ever saw Jen at school anymore, and he guessed she'd quit
track. She'd done something to her hair, he noticed when he did see her,
she'd braided it in all these little tiny braids. He thought it was cool,
but he liked it better before. People talked about her hair and how cool
it was, but soon it got to the point where the more Matt saw her the more
he hated it that way.
During biology he asked Mike what was up with Jen, if he knew. He just
shrugged, saying she had some new stoner boyfriend, Kasey, and that she
had this major attitude now. That's all he said; he and Mike hadn't been
friends much since he had slept with her. Matt wondered why, and he
figured that Mike had his loyalties to Jen and her crowd, thinking he was
one of them. If Dana and her friends didn't like him, then he couldn't
like him either. It really pissed him off. Jen must not ever go to class,
he thought. Her name was written on the board in his math class with the
people who needed to make up tests. She had three check marks next to her
name. That meant she'd missed four tests! He wondered what she was doing.
He wondered if she was still going to graduate. Not if she keeps this up,
he thought. That oughtta wake her up. His imagination began going, and he
pictured Jen in a rehab center in a few years, her life in shambles. He
wondered about that Kasey guy. He was willing to bet he gave her drugs all
the time. He knew she probably had sex with him. She had started dressing
differently too; Matt wondered if they were his clothes. She always wore
these really baggy clothes, like corduroy pants and tshirts over
long-sleeved shirts. She thinks she's such a hippie, thought Matt
disgustedly.
But he was genuinely worried about her, more as time wore on and she
stayed like that. He wanted to call her and ask her what was going on, but
when he did she was never home. He couldn't bring himself to leave a
message.
One day during lunch time she was there, standing with her loser friends,
Matt thought. His friends pointed her out to him, saying that she was
really fucked up now and it was all his fault. "Shut up," he said to their
teasing. He hoped that wasn't the case.
"Go talk to her," said Erik. "I thought you were friends with her. You
said you were."
"I am. I will!" he replied testily. What the hell, he thought, going up to
her and standing next to her. "Uh, hi."
"Hi," she responded. Her friends ignored him. "So what's up?"
"Nothing," she responded, not looking at him. "Well... Um, I was just
wondering, if you're okay..." "What?"
"Well, I mean, why you're acting all different..." "I don't know what the
hell you're talking about," she said, annoyed, not looking at him while
she listened to what her friends were saying.
"Oh, I mean, I don't know," he mumbled. "Sorry..." "You're right. You
don't know."
Right then Erik came up next to them.
"Nice hair," he cracked to Jen.
"Fuck off," she told him.
"What?!? I meant it, nice hair!" he replied innocently.
She ignored him.
Matt tried to think of something he could say. "Um, so, are you still
gonna go to college?" he asked. "What?" she asked coldly.
"Um, you know, you should really like, work harder or something..." Oh!
No, that's not what he meant to say! No, he just meant...
"Fuck you go to hell," she told him in monotone, as she and her friends
walked away, leaving him and Erik by themselves.
"O-kay..." said Erik.
Fuck. FUCK! his mind screamed. Now she hates me. She fucking hates me! he
thought. Dammit.
Ryan never got up the energy to beat up Mitch. He knew it wouldn't make a
difference to Jen. Mitch was afraid of him, and quit baseball to avoid
him, he heard. But Ryan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about hardly
anything anymore.
His parents were there, to make sure he did his homework. He went out
sometimes, but only at his friends' urging. He wondered if he was
clinically depressed. Or maybe he was having a nervous breakdown. All he
knew was his life sucked big time. Jen was getting on with her life--why
couldn't he? He didn't want to, that's why not. His friends were making
plans for Prom, but he couldn't ask anyone else. No way. His friends
understood he guessed, but they still tried to talk him into going. He
couldn't really tell them how miserable he was. They might understand, but
they just didn't talk about things that way. Not like he could with Jen.
He could always tell her anything and she wouldn't laugh at him, or tell
anyone.
Now the only person who he could really talk to hated his guts.
Chapter 39
Matt lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, which he did half the time.
He'd just talked to that girl, Lauren, for over an hour. She was pretty
cool, and cute too he supposed. His friends thought she was cute, and were
impressed that she seemed to like Matt. They asked if he was "gonna try to
get in her pants." He'd just shrugged, but now he was thinking about it.
It's not like he should be keeping himself available for Jen. Jen was
fucked up. Everyone said so. Well, he had to admit he was still in love
with her. But Lauren, Lauren was pretty cool.
He thought about asking her out. But he didn't have a license, and he
didn't want to deal with parents driving them if they went anywhere. That
was babyish. He closed his eyes, wishing he had a girl with him. He was
sick of being his own damn girlfriend.
Yeah, he was gonna ask Lauren out, he decided. He was extra nice to her
the next day in class. She smiled all the time while he talked to her. He
was pretty sure she liked him, and one of her friends asked him if he
liked her. He said he didn't know, and asked why. The friend said she was
just wondering. Matt changed his mind, and said that he thought he liked
her.
And she called him again that night. He asked her straight up if she liked
him. She giggled, and wouldn't tell him. She said she'd tell him in five
minutes. So five minutes later he made her tell him. She said she did like
him. Duh, thought Matt.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked her. "Well, yeah! Sure!" she replied.
"Cool. Because I really like you," he told her. "A lot. I've liked you
since the beginning of the year." "Really? Why didn't you ever say
anything Matt?" "Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I was shy?" "Aww...
Wow! Well, thanks! I've liked you a long time too, Matt. Since the
beginning of last year." "Cool. Wow, this is cool."
"Yeah..."
They talked awhile longer. Matt felt good, even though he felt a bit
guilty for lying to her. He didn't know why he'd said he'd liked her that
long. He supposed it didn't matter now.
Chapter 40
How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't remember. But was
she really going out with him? She knew she'd look like a fool if she
asked. She hadn't slept with him, although she almost had. They had made
out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he didn't seem all that
interested in her actually. It hurt deep down, but she knew that maybe
that was just his way, cool about everything, even love.
Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever experience love.
Maybe what she had experienced with Ryan hadn't been love either. Really,
she thought, anybody can be with anybody else, it's just nature. She felt
guilty about how behind she was getting in school. Her parents were on her
all the time, and she constantly told them to fuck off. She just didn't
care about anything anymore, but part of her wanted to scream for an hour
non-stop.
Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing had always been
wrong, they were always being interrupted. But there was a party that
Friday night at his friend's house. Then he would probably realize how
much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing her eyes. She
tried to imagine sex with him, and planned on doing it Friday.
Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and they all started
to drink as soon as they got to his friends house. He'd gotten three kegs,
plus hard alcohol. She kept getting separated from him; every time she
turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and drunker, wondering when
he would just relax and they could go into a bedroom.
Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out of it. He acted
annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He kept telling her to sit down. She
pouted, but he didn't notice. She felt stupid; pouting was something she
would do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then she was annoyed
at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell her to sit down when he could
get laid instead. She felt numb as she sat on the couch by herself. She
stared at nothing for a long while.
Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after several minutes of
telling her body to get up but remaining on the couch. Where was he? She
looked for him everywhere, asking every one she saw if they had seen
Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but finally she found his
friend Jeremy.
She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to really do
anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded.
"Where's who?" he asked, annoyed.
"Kasey," she whined.
He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my bedroom."
She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she said. "What do
you mean?"
"I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who she is.
He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares." She stared at his chin,
eye level with it. "What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass,
that's what your problem is."
She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home." "What? I ain't
fuckin' taking you home! Forget it." She still stood there in front of
him.
"What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?"
She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest fool on the planet.
"No," she denied.
"Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I don't think he
cares much about Hillary or whatever her name is, so if he's not too drunk
you can be next!" "Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go
home, but didn't even know where she was, and had no money for a cab. She
sat back on the couch, determined not to cry as someone gave her another
beer.
Chapter 41
"What's up?" asked Corey.
"Nuthin'," said Ryan.
"Let's go out. There's a party tonight." "Oh yeah? Oh. I don't know..."
"Come on! It'll be fun! It'll get your mind off Jen. It's supposed to be
really good."
He sighed. "Aright."
So they went, finally. It took them forever to find out where it was. But
finally they showed up, at half past eleven. It was huge, and a lot of
people he didn't know were there. But there were some people who he knew.
Like Jen. But Jen didn't see him. She couldn't, she was passed out on a
couch. She was by herself, cuddled up in the corner of the couch. Her hair
was different, but he recognized her instantly. She still looked
beautiful. What could he do? He wasn't going to leave just because she was
there. He looked around though, trying to find out who she was with. He
wouldn't recognize Kasey if he saw him, but he didn't see any stray guys
who seemed to be paying any attention to Jen. Ryan kept an eye on her for
a couple of hours. She didn't wake up, and nobody went over to see her
either. He wondered if she came by herself. He hadn't seen her car though,
and they walked past a whole slew of cars. Then he saw a guy sitting down
next to her, looking at her. The guy reached out and touched one of her
braids. Ryan walked over immediately, wanting to see if it was Kasey or
not. He wanted to see what the guy was like. The guy looked up at Ryan
looking at him. He dropped her braid and inched away from her huddled
figure. "Oh, sorry. Is she with you?" he asked Ryan guiltily. Ryan shook
his head. "No. You don't know who she's with?"
He shrugged.
Some girl who was sitting in the chair spoke up. "She was with some guy
but he left awhile ago..." "He left?" Ryan asked her. "Is he coming back?"
"Uh, I don't think so. Why?"
"Well, he left her here... What a nice guy. Something could happen to
her!"
The girl shrugged. "I don't know."
Ryan looked down at Jen, sleeping there. He leaned down and shook her.
"Jen, Jen wake up..." She opened one eye finally, then closed it, turning
away from him.
"Jen, how are you getting home?"
"This is my home," she mumbled. She passed back out. "Ryan, what are you
doing?" Corey asked, exasperated. "Dude, whoever she was with just left
her here!" "Don't worry about it Ryan! You can't follow her around the
rest of her life! Just leave her alone!" "I can't! I'm not following her
around! I didn't know she was gonna be here! Listen, I gotta take her
home. Look at her. She might wake up and try to drive for all we know. And
no one's gonna try to stop her." Corey sighed. "Whatever. You know you're
never gonna get over her if you keep obsessing about her. Next time we go
somewhere and she's there passed out we're leaving her there, okay? She's
the one who chooses to get fucked up in the first place. Besides, she's
not your girlfriend anymore."
"Fine," Ryan snapped. hurt by his friends words. "But tonight I'm gonna
make sure she gets home. I'll come back for you later."
"No. Don't worry about it," he sighed. "I'll get a ride. But," he told him
seriously. "I'm serious, you gotta be careful. If she wakes up for a
second and says she loves you and you believe it, it's gonna really hurt
tomorrow when she doesn't remember anything about tonight, got it?"
"Yeah, got it," Ryan said. He carried her carefully out to his car,
putting her in the passenger seat without her waking up.
He looked over at her from the driver's side. She'd been there so many
times before. But that doesn't matter now, he thought. She just has to get
home safely tonight. He drove towards her house in silence, keeping the
radio off so as not to wake her up. It was weird turning onto her street,
and getting out of the car to open the gate. He knew the codes for the
security at her house, so he could get into her room. He wondered what he
would do if she had changed them. Leave her on the doorstep? Nah, I'd take
her to my house before I'd do that. Or Dana's, he thought.
It felt weird, but he felt important, knowing he had a reason to be there.
He carried her into her room quietly, secretly hoping she would wake up
and be glad to see him. He laid her down on the bed. He noticed his
notebook on her desk, open. She must have used his notes to study off of.
He tried to feel angry, but couldn't, giving a smile instead as he thought
of how much she struggled with physics. He needed the book though. This
would save him the pain of getting it from her in person. A few weeks ago
he would have been glad for an opportunity to go see her, hoping she would
finally break and forgive him. But now he knew it wasn't going to happen.
He looked back down at her. Should he undress her? He could. But should
he? He stared at her. She would be pissed if she ever found out, and maybe
wonder what else he had done to her.
So he just took her shoes off, and covered her up with the blanket. He
longed to climb into to bed next to her, kiss her goodnight, and switch
off the lamp like before. He sank down onto his knees, looking at her
sleeping there. He touched her hair, in braids. It was different, but he
supposed he could get used to it. "I'm sorry, you know Jen," he whispered.
She didn't wake up. He left.
Chapter 42
Lauren was sort of annoying, Matt thought. He couldn't put it into words
what was annoying about her, but it was just something there. She was just
so young seeming. But she liked him a lot. She even wrote him notes,
ending with "I love you." He wrote back that he loved her too, even though
he felt sick as he wrote it. But he wasn't going to break up with her. He
liked how much she liked him, and he knew he had the upper hand in the
relationship. He felt proud that he wasn't "whipped."
He wondered how much she would do for him. He decided to see if she was
worth keeping around. He kept telling himself he didn't love her, and so
it would be okay. If he did and she broke up with him, it would be like
Jen all over again.
So one day he gave her friend a note to give her after school, telling her
to meet him in front of his classroom. She showed up, giving him a big
kiss. "What's up?" she asked him.
"Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something after school."
"Don't you have track practice?"
"Nah, I can skip it for once. I'd rather be with you."
"Awwh, really? That's so sweet, Matt," she gushed, taking his hand. "What
do you want to do? We can go to my house. My mom's probably home
though..." "Well, we can go to my house. It's real close," he said.
"Sure! Okay! I've never been to your house before." They walked home. He
tried to walk quickly. He knew his parents would still be gone for awhile
yet. He needed at least a few hours.
"This is my house," he told her, walking up the driveway.
"I like it."
"Thanks."
They went inside. She put her backpack down in the hall.
"Are you hungry?" he asked her.
"No, not really."
He smiled. "Wanna see my room?"
"Sure!"
They went upstairs. He was praying.
She sat on his bed, bouncing and giggling. Yes, he thought. He jumped next
to her, trying to get himself to laugh alongside her. He leaned in and
kissed her. She responded, kissing him back and putting her hands on his
chest. He leaned on her, and she slid down on her back, so he lay on top
of her.
She slipped her hand into his pants, rubbing his hard dick. He touched her
breasts, rubbing them over her bra as his hands traveled under her shirt.
He kissed her for awhile, his brain screaming at him. They had made out
before, but he felt different today. His blood surged through his veins,
and his mind swam, knowing what he needed was at his fingertips, if he
could just... "I really like you, Lauren," he breathed. "I-I feel like
I've known you a long time. Longer than I have." "Really? Wow, Matt. I
feel the same way!" "Will you let me make love to you?" he whispered,
kissing her ear and her neck softly.
She hesitated, but he could tell she liked the touch of his tongue. "I
don't know..."
"Have you done it before?"
She shook her head. "But you have. I know you have, I heard so."
"Yeah. But I wish I was still a virgin." "Really?"
"Yeah..." He continued to kiss her for awhile, then finally said, praying
it would go his way, "You don't have to if you don't want to..."
She paused. Then she kissed him back. "Well, I think I love you Matt," she
whispered. "I mean, I know I do." "I love you too..." He kissed her again,
then kicked his shoes off. Standing up, he pulled his shirt off, rubbing
her between her legs while she stared at him. He didn't care about
modesty, he pulled his pants and underwear off too. His dick stood up
straight in front of her.
He lay back down on the bed, leading her hand once again to his dick. He
kept kissing her, removing her shirt and bra.
"Will you kiss me on my dick?" he whispered. She hesitated, then leaned
in. He closed his eyes, and sighed as he felt her tongue against his
sensitive member.
"Yeah, that's right..." he groaned as she slowly licked it. "Suck it..."
She tried to take it into her mouth, and he winced from her teeth scraping
it. But she moved her mouth around it, up and down. He moaned.
"Yeah... That's good." He let her work on him for awhile, then sat up,
leaning in to kiss her. Breathing hard, she lay back, looking at him. He
leaned over, kissing her breasts while he undid her jeans. He pulled them
off, and her underwear. She lay there, her legs closed tight. Should he go
down on her? He thought he should, but she didn't seem to want him to. He
pulled the covers up over them while he lay on her again.
He slipped his finger into her, thrilled that she was wet. He kissed her
again, eyes closed, as he put his dick at her hole. He tried to get it in,
to ease it in. He pushed against it. There we go, he thought, as it slid
in the slightest bit.
He still gripped the base, and he opened his eyes to look at her. She
stared at him, her eyes wide. He tried to push it in more, he kept trying.
It was going in, little by little.
Finally it went in, and she screamed as her body ripped to allow him
entrance. He sighed, thrusting in and out.
She was crying, sobbing that it hurt.
"Don't cry," he told her. "It'll feel better soon..." She sniffled, and he
kissed her. He kept pumping into her.
"Pull out," she told him. "Don't do it in me!" He nodded, disappointed
though. He hadn't had to worry about that with Jen.
"Aww yeah!" he groaned. "Yeah! That's good! Shit!" he gasped.
He kept fucking her, as hard as he could. She was so tight. He couldn't
remember if Jen had been this tight. Possibly. He hadn't been thinking
about it when he was in her. He'd been thinking about how happy he was.
Hell, I'm happy now, he thought. Fuck!
He pulled out, grabbing her hand and making her pump his dick. She rubbed
him up and down as he groaned, and shot his cum all over her stomach.
He breathed hard, relaxing on her.
"Wow, that was good Lauren."
"Yeah, it hurt though..." she told him. "Yeah. It always does the first
time for girls, you know."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Aren't you happy?"
"Yeah, I am. I love you so much Matt," she whispered. "Yeah. I love you
too, Lauren."
Chapter:
Preface
01-03
04-06
07-09
10-12
13-15
16-18
19-21
22-24
25-27
28-30
31-33
34-36 37-42
43-47
48-49
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