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Chapter 31
Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember what possessed him
to say that shit to Jen. She was right, he was different around some of
his friends, Darius among them. He felt like the biggest jackass on the
planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to have his baby, and
he'd never see his child, or Jen, again. She'll forgive me, he thought.
She has to. She fucking has to.
Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called earlier, but she'd hung
up on him again. She heard his car in her driveway. She slammed her math
book down on her bed.
He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked out of the hall,
staring him down. Her parents were gone, luckily.
"Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for an answer."
"Get out."
"Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I don't want you to have
an abortion. I'll marry you, I mean it!" he told her, pleading.
"It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her head, repeating, "It
doesn't matter now." "Yes it does matter!"
She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around and walked into
her room. He followed her, sitting on her chair while she played the
message from the doctor on the machine. He listened, then dropped his jaw.
"You're not pregnant? Oh yes!"
"Get out!" she screamed at him.
"Come on, don't be like that! I love you!" "You don't love me! You never
loved me!" she screamed. "You're not capable of love! You're only capable
of loving yourself. I told you, get out! I'm gonna call the cops if you
don't. I mean it!" she yelled. "Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you
I'm sorry, and I mean it."
"I hate you Ryan."
He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated in a whisper. "I
fucking love you Jen!" "It's over Ryan. It is over!"
He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive me? Please? I love
you! Come on, just forgive me. You know we have to work at relationships!"
"Oh, don't even give me that. Don't even!" she screamed at him. "To a
Goddamn extent, yes! This is different, oh my God is this different! "Come
on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!"
She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears with her hands. She
shook her head again. She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes
flew open, pushing him away.
"You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?" "No, I do understand,
but, I'm begging you. Come on, please forgive me," he begged, getting down
on his knees in front of her.
"Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The reason you think I
should forgive you is because you don't understand what you did. You don't
know how bad it was. You don't fucking understand how much you hurt me!
You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed. "No, don't say that! I
know, I hurt you. I wish I was dead. I never meant to hurt you. Please,
don't break up with me."
"Break up with you? Me? Excuse me? You broke up with me!"
"No I didn't!"
"Oh, yes you did. You fucking did! Your actions told me you didn't want
me. You broke up with me Monday night! Now we're fucking through!"
He shook his head, starting to cry. "No, I didn't! I need you, Jen!
Please, don't do this to me!" "To you! God, you are so selfish! You you
you! Get out!" she screamed, running down the hall. He followed her,
grabbing her while she threw open the front door.
"Get out!" she repeating, still sobbing. "You fucking get out right now or
I'll call the cops!" "Jen..." he begged.
"You are not welcome here anymore," she told him, coldly. "Now leave!"
He backed away, staring at her, his eyes red from crying.
"Get out," she repeated.
He left, still staring at her, whispering, "Please... It's not over..."
She slammed the door in his face, locking it.
Jen lay on her bed. She thought for an hour, just thinking about what had
just happened and what her life was now. She hadn't taken him back. Surely
that was a sign of strength, that she hadn't given in. He had probably
expected me to, she thought disgustedly. She would never take him back,
ever.
Dana said she was going to have a party on Friday night, to cheer Jen up.
Her parents were gone, and Jen said she wanted to get completely trashed.
The week before she had gone to the bookstore for something, and had met a
guy who had been hitting on her. She didn't tell him she had a boyfriend,
but just smiled and shook her head when he had asked for her number. He
insisted on giving her his number though. He had been really cute,
extremely good looking actually. What was his name? Kevin? Kasey? She
couldn't remember. What had she done with the number? She searched her
purse, finally finding the folded bank statement with the number on it.
Kasey.
She looked at the number for awhile, dreaming of how great it would be if
Ryan came over and she was talking to another guy, like she had gotten
over him already. She called him.
He remembered her! He was nice, a bit quiet though. He had a friend over,
and was talking to him off and on in the background. Jen hated that, when
Ryan ever did that to her she used to hang up on him if he wouldn't stop.
He would always call back, sorry. But she couldn't hang up on Kasey--he
would think she hated him. She told him about the party at Dana's the next
night. He seemed interested, and she gave him the address. He said he'd
try to make it, and that maybe he'd see her there. Finally she hung up,
shaking, still hearing his voice in her head. It was a nice voice, she
thought. She smiled, willing herself to like Kasey. That would hurt Ryan
for sure, she thought. Then maybe he'd get it.
Chapter 32
As soon as he showered after track practice, he went over to Mike's. He
walked over; he didn't want his mom to ask to speak to Mike's mom when she
dropped him off. He had tried to dress cool, in blue jeans and a
longsleeved cotton shirt. He wondered if there would be any girls there,
any new girls. He was pretty sure Jen would show up, but he knew she
wasn't interested in him. But maybe she'll think I'm cute, he had
reasoned, brushing his hair as he looked in the mirror. He even shaved, so
his face was smooth. Maybe now that she doesn't have a boyfriend she'll be
on the make for new guys, he hoped.
He asked Mike casually when he went over if he'd ever found out why they
had broken up. He had said he would ask his sister. Mike told him the
whole story. Matt was shocked, saying over and over, "Whatta dick!" He
couldn't believe the way he had treated her. What an asshole! He tried to
imagine how scared Jen must have been when she thought she was pregnant.
He felt relieved for her that she wasn't. He wondered if she would be
really depressed that night. He wondered when she was going to show up. He
was scared she never would. Several of Dana's friends came over first,
mostly seniors, a few juniors. There was one sophomore guy, who hung out
with the seniors. Some of them looked unfamiliar, and Matt wondered if
they went to different schools. That was a definite mark of coolness, he
thought, to know people that you didn't even go to school with. Finally
Jen showed up, and she didn't look depressed at all. She was laughing in
fact, and smiled at Matt when she looked at him. She started to drink,
getting even happier as the night wore on. A couple of people gathered in
the kitchen, and Matt sat at the table. Someone had given him a beer, and
he tried to like it. It was disgusting though. It gave him a headache too,
although he had to admit he started laughing a bit more easily. People
were whispering about Jen and Ryan all night, and he strained his ears to
hear what they were saying. He couldn't catch anything but their names
though. The music was loud, and Jen insisted on playing this certain
Rolling Stones song over and over. She got in a fight with this guy, who,
ignoring her pleas, switched it to something else. Pouting, she came back
into the kitchen, grabbing another drink. She sat at the table, and Matt,
in nervousness, started tapping his feet uncontrollably. "What are you
doing?" she asked him.
He was surprised. "Uh, nothing."
"You are so silly!" she told him, smiling. He sat there in stunned
silence, trying to think of something to say. But she continued talking to
other people. There were a lot of cute girls there, a lot of them were
older. A couple girls who he didn't know asked him what grade he was in,
and seemed surprised that he was a freshman. They told him he looked much
older. But then they didn't pay much attention to him. A few freshman
girls that Mike had invited all hung out with the older guys, and Matt
felt depressed. It isn't fair, he thought.
He sat like a stone at the kitchen table, his head starting to hurt. He
had only had one beer though, but he'd never drank before. Was he drunk?
He didn't know. Everyone was so happy around him, it seemed. Even Jen was
laughing, and flirting it seemed, with guys. She had a whole flock around
her. Matt felt sick. Jen kept asking what time it was. Matt kept telling
her. What was she waiting for? he wondered. Did she have to leave? He
hoped not. He hoped they wouldn't let her drive.
Jen sat on the counter, crossing her legs. Matt stared at her, then looked
away when she looked at him. She played with a pen, while some guy talked
to her quietly. She didn't look at him. Matt was dying to know what they
were talking about. Was he asking her to go back into one of the bedrooms
with him? A girl came in suddenly, saying something to Jen. Matt didn't
hear the whole thing, except for Ryan's name. Jen turned pale, rubbing her
legs nervously. She shrugged. "I don't care," she said loudly. Matt could
tell that wasn't the truth.
She continued talking to the guy, all of a sudden seeming to take a new
interest in him. Ryan came in the kitchen, stopping as he saw her. She
ignored him. Matt watched nervously. Would they fight? He hoped not. He
didn't want to see her cry again.
Ryan walked up to her, and she looked down as he started to talk to her,
not looking at him. The other guy paused and then left after Ryan stared
him down. Matt couldn't hear much of what they were saying. He wished
someone would turn the stupid music down. He could tell he was trying to
get Jen to talk to him. She wouldn't even look at him, though, ignoring
him and playing with the pen. Good girl Jen, thought Matt. Dana came in,
and so did Corey, who hadn't been there before, both sitting at the table
too. Listening as well. The loud music shut off, as someone turned on the
television instead. Now they could hear. "Will you please look at me?"
begged Ryan. Playing with the pen, it shot out in front of her, hitting
the table and skidding onto the floor. Matt jumped. She started laughing.
"You're drunk," said Ryan.
"Yeah? And you know what? I was having a good time until a couple of
minutes ago!" she told him. "Let's go somewhere where we can talk." "How
about... not!" she laughed.
"Jen, please! I know I hurt you, but you can't just give up on me, on us."
"You know what Ryan? If you had hit me, that would have hurt me less than
what you did," she said suddenly. "Jen! You know I would never hit you!"
"Yeah, but if you had, it would have hurt me less!" she repeated.
He paused, staring at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"That's nice. You're right though, you are sorry." "Come on Jen!"
"Fuck you!" she snapped. Uh oh, thought Matt. "Go away!"
Ryan sighed. He didn't say anything, just stood there next to her.
"Did he ever show up?" asked Dana suddenly, completely randomly.
Jen smiled at her. "No," she said, sounding annoyed. "He didn't! I called
him but he wasn't there." "Oh, well, he hadn't promised that he would
come." "Yeah, he hadn't promised," said Jen. "Who?" asked Ryan. Matt was
wondering the same thing. Jen didn't answer.
"Who are you talking about?" he repeated. "Oh, I get it. Gimme a break,
Jen! I'm not about to believe you're over me already! Not after three
years!"
"Well can't you let me try?!?" she demanded, sounding upset.
"That's the last thing I'm about to do." "Why did you have to come, Ryan?"
she whined. "You ruining my night! I was having fun until you came!" "Jen,
please!"
She jumped off the counter, running down the hall. Ryan started to follow
her, but she came back into the kitchen immediately.
She held out a white business envelope to him, saying, "Take it. This is
yours..."
"What is it?" he asked.
"Take it," she repeated, handing it to him. He took it, opening it. He
shook his head furiously, saying, "Jen, no! No! This is yours! Jen, it's
not over, come on!" he whispered, taking the small shiny item out of the
envelope and trying to give it to her. She wouldn't take it, saying, "No.
I don't want it. You know, it doesn't have my name on it. It's not
useless; I'm sure you can always give it to someone else," she said
nonchalantly.
Ryan bit his lip, trying not to cry in front of everyone. He shook his
head again, slowly. "No, Jen! Don't say that. I could never give it to
anyone else. This is your ring. Take it."
"No," she said coolly.
He stared at her.
"I don't want it. It's a lie," she told him. His eyes widened, and he
shook his head furiously. Matt saw a tear run down one cheek. "It's
not..." Ryan whispered.
She nodded. "Yes it is. It is! You said you'd always be here for me. And
you weren't! When I needed you most you weren't there!" she accused him,
her voice wavering. Matt wondered if she was about to cry. "When I needed
you you spat on me! On our whole fucking relationship! You told me to fuck
off. You can have your stupid fucking ring."
"I'm sorry!" he said again. "I take it back, baby, I do! You and I belong
together. I'm so sorry. Don't you love me anymore? Take the ring; it's
yours anyway," he whispered.
"No."
He swallowed, then grabbed her hand, forcing her to take the ring. She
yelped, trying to twist away. "This is your ring!" he repeated. "I won't
take it back. Even if you don't take me back," he whispered, in tears. "I
won't take it back."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him, backing away from him, holding the ring in a
clenched fist in front of her. "This is my ring? To do with what I want?"
she stumbled. "Fine," she laughed. She spun on her heal, nearly tripping
as she ran into the hall. He took a step forward to follow her, but then
stopped. They heard the toilet flush, and he stepped back suddenly. She
came back into the kitchen triumphantly. Everyone was staring at her,
except for Ryan, who was back leaning against the counter, crying
silently. "That's what I think of the ring," she told him, although it was
unnecessary.
"I love you," he whispered.
She just looked at him. Matt wondered if she would give in, if she would
say she loved him too. Her face was expressionless.
"Well, I guess you really blew it then, didn't you?" she told him coldly.
He wiped his eyes, staring at her, and she stared right back. He walked
out of the kitchen, Corey following him. The door slammed as they left.
Jen stood there, shaking, not looking as confident as she had a minute
ago. There were a lot more people in the kitchen, who had come to listen
when they heard her yelling.
"Jen!" exclaimed Dana. "Oh my God! I can't believe you flushed his ring
down the toilet!"
"What? Why?" Jen asked, disoriented. "It's over. I don't care."
"Oh, Jen, I think he's sorry. You guys will get back together."
"No we won't!"
"Come on," Dana said. "You should forgive him." "Why? Who the hell's side
are you on, anyway?" she snapped.
"Your side! But come on, he loves you!" "No, he doesn't love me. He
doesn't!" she yelled. "If he's so great, why don't you go out with him!"
"Oh come off it!"
"Screw you! Your supposed to be on my side. Everybody's against me," she
said, starting to cry. "We're not against you! Jen, hey come on Jen!" Jen
had fled down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut behind her.
Dana pounded on the door, concerned Jen was trying to kill herself. Jen
kept telling her to fuck off. Finally, she came out, crying still.
Dana hugged her, as did a couple other friends of hers, telling her she
should just lay down and try to rest. Matt stood at the end of the hall as
the big group took her, protesting, into Dana's room. Then they all came
out, turning off the light so Jen could sleep. Matt was concerned, and
part of him wanted to sneak in there and look at her. Maybe kiss her
cheek, and cover her up with the blanket like Ryan had done that time. But
she'd probably tell him to get out. He wished he was home, in his own bed.
He resigned himself to watching television. As it got later, more people
left. Dana was drunk, and laying on the floor talking to some guy. Mike
sat in a chair in the living room, watching TV with him. But some chick
was sitting on Mike's lap, and they were both giggling. Pretty soon they
got up and went down the hall. A few other people sat in the kitchen,
talking and finishing the rest of the alcohol off. Matt had never felt so
alone.
He wanted to go to bed, but knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. He
had figured he'd sleep in Mike's room like he usually did, but he guessed
not. His head still hurt, but not as much. He was grateful he hadn't drunk
more. Or maybe he should have gotten smashed, so he could have been passed
out by now.
He heard Jen come down the hall. She looked really gone, her eyes were
swollen, and she had dark circles under them. But she was still beautiful,
he thought. She walked by them, nearly falling down as she opened the
front door.
Dana sat up. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Home," Jen mumbled. "I'm
goin' home."
"No, Jen!" Dana exclaimed, getting to her feet dizzily. She grabbed her
hand, trying to pull her back inside. "Stay here. You can't leave. You're
drunk!" "No, I can drive," Jen stumbled. "It's not very far." "No you're
drunk!" Jen started to cry again. "It's okay, I'm drunk too! We're both
drunk. We're sisters!" Jen started to laugh, then cry again. "Well, then
I'll walk home. I need to get home!" she sobbed. "No, you're staying
here!"
"No. You can't stop me from leaving. I gotta go. There's things I need to
do at home."
"No there's not. You stay here."
"No! I'm leaving," she sobbed, heading out into the black night.
"Wait, Jen! Stay!" yelled Dana after her. "I'll get someone to drive you
home! Just a minute, okay? Come back here, though."
Matt still sat there, watching quietly. Jen stood in the doorway, crying.
I could drive her home, he thought. Driving is easy. Unless it's a stick
shift. I can probably drive an automatic.
Dana ran into the kitchen. Everyone there was drunk, still drinking.
Nobody could drive, Matt heard them all saying it.
The guy on the floor looked at Matt, sitting on the couch quietly. "Hey,
why don't you take her home?" he slurred. "Are you drunk?"
Matt shook his head.
Dana looked at him. "No, he's a freshman. He can't drive."
"Well she doesn't live far. He can walk her home. He's just a freshman,
nothing's gonna happen," the guy told her.
Matt blushed.
"Yeah, Matt," said Dana, looking at him. "Okay. Can you walk her home? It
would be a big favor. Make sure she gets home safely. Please?"
"Sure," he said, standing up and glancing nervously at Jen. "No problem."
Chapter 33
Matt finally talked to Mike. Mike was being such a prick to him, acting
like he did rape her or something. Matt got mad. His friend's whole
attitude seemed to be that he wasn't good enough for Jen. Fuck Mike, he
thought angrily.
Matt was still angry otherwise. It had changed him of course, the whole
thing. Maybe it had been a learning experience. Well, obviously it had
been a learning experience, he thought. He felt liked he'd matured, aged
several years in the period of a few weeks. It gave him more confidence.
But at the same time he had lost faith in people, in girls especially.
He hadn't ever called her. He hoped it would send the message that he
didn't need her. He resented her in a way. She was so full of it, he
thought. He hurt inside still, especially when he thought about how she'd
told him they could be friends. They never talked though. They barely
acknowledged each other. She wasn't mean to him, and she said hi when she
saw him, but it didn't seem like she was really making an effort to be his
friend. She probably just said we can be friends to get me out of her
face, he thought bitterly. She'll be leaving soon, he thought. She was
graduating in a few months. Then maybe she'd move far away to go to
school. He hoped the knowledge that she would be gone soon would force him
to forget about her, but it wasn't happening.
She was different too, he noticed. She had a different look about her, no
longer sweet looking, laughing and smiling all the time. There was just a
darker look in her eyes, if you could call it that. Maybe she resented
him, he wondered. He wondered if it hadn't been for him, maybe she would
have gotten back together with Ryan. I don't care anyway, he told himself.
He always looked forward to practice though. There was still almost two
months left of the season, he reasoned. That was practically the only time
he ever saw her anyway. They talked some, he admitted. But only about
superficial things. Not like they were friends. I don't like her anymore
anyway, he thought. He decided he liked Lauren, a girl in his English
class. He sat next to her, and he thought she flirted with him. Ha, he
thought triumphantly one day, when he was walking out of class with
Lauren, laughing about something. Jen walked by, and looked at them. He
ignored her, hoping she'd think he never cared about her in the first
place, and that maybe he had been using her for sex. He hoped she was
dwelling on it, hurting inside as much as he did.
His high spirits came crashing down one day during practice. The whole
team was waiting for the coach to come. Some people were playing Frisbee,
others sitting in small groups on the grass. He noticed a couple of guys,
stoners, he thought. They were just standing there, looking towards the
team. He didn't think much about them.
But then they walked by, slowly, as though they were leaving. One guy hung
back, stopping to watch the Frisbee game as though it were interesting. He
glanced over at them, sitting in the bleachers. His friend continued on,
pausing several yards ahead, to wait for his friend.
Matt noticed a girl, Carrie, poking Jen. Carrie was a junior, and she and
Jen hung out sometimes during practice. He could hear what they were
saying. "Go see him," Carrie was insisting. "He wants to talk to you!"
Jen was hesitant. "No, maybe he's not here to see me. He might be here for
something else..." "Oh, like what? To watch the Frisbee game? Come on, go
see him!"
Jen still hung back. "Well..."
"If you don't I'm going to call him over here and tell him you want to
talk to him. What's his name, Kasey?" "No, don't! Come on. I'll go over
there in a minute. He could come see me..."
Carrie looked over at the guy, dragging his shoe in the dirt, standing by
himself. He glanced over at them and looked away. Matt felt sick; they
like each other! he realized. She's gonna go out with him! "Oh, Jen! He's
shy!" said Carrie.
Jen said nothing.
"Oh, Jen! You're shy!" Carrie exclaimed. "Are you shy Jen?"
Jen blushed. "No! It's just that, I don't know." "See, you went out with
that other guy for so long that you forgot what to do, huh?"
"I don't know..." Jen trailed. "Maybe..." "Just go talk to him. I can tell
he wants to see you. If you don't I'll call him over here!" she
threatened. "Fine, okay," sighed Jen. She paused, then stood up. Matt
watched as she tried to casually walk over to the guy. The guy, Kasey?
Matt wondered, smiled at her, reaching out to hold her hand briefly. They
stood close together, talking and smiling at each other. Matt wondered if
they were going to kiss, they were leaning in so close. He looked away,
but couldn't keep his eyes off her, and them. He felt like a fool,
thinking how stupid he was to think she would be hurting by his ignoring
her. Fool, he thought to himself. Finally, they parted, him holding her
hand again as he slowly walked away. He didn't turn around to see her,
still standing there. He rejoined his friend and they left.
Jen watched him walk away, then turned and, blushing Matt noticed, walked
back towards Carrie and the rest of the group.
"See! What'd he say? Did he ask you out?" Carrie demanded.
"No!" Jen smiled. "But he did come here to see me..."
"Duh!"
"He didn't have my phone number," Jen continued. "He lost it. But
he knew I went here and did track."
"So, is he gonna call you?"
Jen nodded.
"Are you gonna go out with him?"
She shrugged.
"Jen!" exclaimed Carrie. "He's so cute! He totally likes you too, I can
tell. Why don't you want to go out with him?"
She shrugged again. "I don't know, I didn't say that. I don't know..." she
repeated.
"What's your problem? Don't you want a boyfriend?" "I don't know... Like
you said, I mean, I just broke up with someone after three years. I mean,
I want a boyfriend, but I don't know. You think I should go out with
Kasey?" she asked shyly.
"Yes!" Carrie answered firmly.
"Why don't you go out with Matt?" asked Terry suddenly, who'd been a
witness to the whole thing as Matt had. Both girls turned around, looking
at Matt and Terry sitting behind them.
"What?" Jen asked.
"You should go out with Matt," said Terry. "Why don't you?"
She looked at him. "Well, me and Matt are just friends. We already talked
about it," she told him. "Well, you don't act like your friends with him,"
he pointed out. "Why don't you ever talk to him?" Matt muttered his usual
"shut up,' which was, like usual, ignored. But his temper suddenly flashed
before Terry or Jen could say anything else.
"Why don't you FUCK OFF?" he said angrily to Terry, but while staring Jen
right in the eyes. Her eyes widened, and she stared at him. He realized
his mistake, and turned to Terry.
"Just fuck off," he told him. "Will ya?" "God, Matt! Sorry!" he answered.
"You'd better be," he told him, still angry. He'd had enough of his
friends' shit.
Jen was still looking him in the eye. She didn't look mad, but just looked
at him. Then she smiled, and turned away.
The next day was an ordinary day, i.e. they didn't talk, just did their
own thing. At the end of practice Matt was bringing in some stuff into the
equipment room with a few other guys. It was a big heavy mat, for the high
jumpers, and they were laughing and breathing hard as they finally got it
to the door. Laughing, they dropped the pit onto the ground. Matt halted,
seeing Jen in there with a guy. It was Ryan.
Jen was in tears, practically. They stopped talking, looking over at the
guys staring in at them. Jen's eyes met Matt's, then Ryan's did. He looked
back at Jen. What could he say? She was still near tears, obviously upset.
Ryan looked either angry or earnest.
He asked the main thing on his mind. "You okay, Jen?" Ryan gave him a
dirty look. "Yeah, she's okay! She's with me, aright?"
Jen narrowed her eyes at Ryan, who was still glaring at Matt.
Matt wasn't going to run away. Not this time. "Yeah, well then why's she
upset?" he countered. He took a step toward Matt, but Jen jerked him back.
"Leave him alone!" she snapped. "He never did anything to you! He never
touched anything of yours!" she seethed.
He stepped closer to her, staring her dead in the eye. He leaned in. "I
made you mine two years ago," he whispered fiercely, loud enough that Matt
could hear. "You will always be mine."
Ryan stepped back, and she stood there, frozen. He stared at her some
more, then turned and walked out, giving Matt a disgusted look.
Matt wanted to hit him, but he was already walking away. Instead he looked
over at Jen, still standing there, shaking. He walked toward her, touching
her lightly on her shoulder. "You okay?" he repeated. She jumped from his
touch. "What? Yeah, I'm fine," she told him, looking around.
"Yeah?" he asked her. "What, is he still trying to get you to come back to
him?" he asked, curious, and wanting to comfort her, maybe help her. She
nodded tearfully. "I hate him," she whispered. "I hate him Matt..." The
tears began to fall. He awkwardly put his arm around her, and she went to
him, needing to be held. He put both his arms around her, hugging her
tight. He looked over at the other guys still staring in. He motioned for
them to leave, feeling like she needed him, and he was being there for
her. Isn't that what she wants? he asked himself. Someone to be there for
her?
"It's okay," he whispered. "Don't cry..." It was too much like that night,
only a few weeks ago. It seemed an eternity longer than that to him
though. She cried on his shoulder, and he shushed her, telling her it was
aright, just trying to be there for her. But now there was no "danger" of
sex. Or was there? he wondered. He'd still take her, if that's what she
wanted. Maybe she was now realizing, in his arms, that he was what she
needed? he wondered. Maybe she's thinking she really does like me like
that, he hoped. She felt so good in his arms, against his chest, as he
held her tightly. It was so right, so right he thought, as he fought his
own tears back.
They stood there for awhile, hugging each other until her crying stopped.
She pulled away, wiping her eyes. He stared down at her. She smiled
awkwardly. "I'm sorry..." she began. "I'm sorry, I just needed a hug I
guess..."
He shook his head. "No, Jen, you apologize too much. I understand."
She smiled again weakly. "I'm just- I don't know, it's so horrible right
now. It's like I'm dead, and I just don't know it..."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he told her.
Chapter:
Preface
01-03
04-06
07-09
10-12
13-15
16-18
19-21
22-24
25-27
28-30 31-33
34-36
37-42
43-47
48-49
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