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Chapter 22
They were talking on the phone one night, and he mentioned that he was
going away for a week, with his dad.
"What for?"
"Oh, just to go see some family and stuff. He said I could go, and maybe
look at some schools around there." "Oh, I'm gonna miss you!"
"Yeah, I'll miss you too."
"When are you going?"
"Um... Like, the 12th to the 18th I think. I'll have to check on it."
"Wow, you get to miss school. Hey that's the week Danny comes down. You're
gonna miss him!" "Oh no. I'd better stay then!" he teased. "Come on," she
laughed. "He's my friend. You don't feel jealous do you?"
"Nah, I'm just kiddin' you."
"Good. Is the rest of your family staying here?" "Yeah, they're gonna
stay."
"Oh, is it man-to-man bonding time?" she teased. He laughed. "Yeah, we're
gonna go fishing, and build furniture, and go to some topless bars..."
"Uh, I think not!" she commanded, laughing. "You know I'm just kiddin',"
he laughed.
The last night Danny was there he promised he'd spend it just with Jen.
After all, she was the best friend he still had down there, he had told
her. They went out to dinner, then wound up back at her house, watching a
movie with her parents.
Jen was hoping her parents wouldn't say anything like, "Oh Jen! Where's
Ryan?" teasing, to embarrass her. She felt a bit weird with him, being
alone with him in the restaurant and in the car. She would never cheat on
Ryan, but still, she felt tingly inside, like maybe there was still some
chemistry between Danny and her. He didn't have a girlfriend, and of
course in a way she had sort of broken up with him... Maybe he still liked
her like that? She was wondering if he still regretted their break-up.
Anyway it just felt nice to maybe have someone like her, making her feel
attractive, even if she wasn't planning on doing anything with him. After
the movie her parents retreated to their bedroom, and Danny and Jen went
back to hers. Dana called and they talked for awhile while he looked at
all her yearbooks and photo albums. Finally she hung up, turning to him on
the bed.
"What are you looking at?"
"This is a good picture of you," he told her, pointing to one picture.
She looked at it. "Oh, yeah, that was freshman year Homecoming." She felt
bad after she said it, though really she didn't have a reason to. After
all, it was just one dance of many she and Ryan had been to. Of course, if
things had turned out a bit differently she and Danny might have gone
together instead...
He nodded, looking at it intently. He looked over, and gave her a quick
smile.
She smiled back, picking up a photo album of her own to look over.
"Gosh, what would have happened if we had never broken up?" he asked her
lightly, but Jen could tell though that under his tone he was dead
serious, but only trying to seem nonchalant.
"Hmm, I don't know," she answered vaguely. "You probably don't ever regret
it though," he said, still not looking at her.
She shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't say I don't regret what happened, but,
well, I don't know." Why did she say that? She did know. But she was
trying to spare his feelings; she didn't want him to be hurt by saying she
was glad they had broken up.
He looked over at her again. Both of them were laying on their stomachs on
the bed. "I regret it everyday," he told her quietly.
She stared down at the pictures in front of her. "Really?" she asked him.
"Yeah, sure," he said.
"Well, you know, you moved away, so it actually worked out for the best,"
she said.
He looked back down. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I probably could
have stayed with my dad down here, if I threw a big enough fit. If I had a
reason to stay." She shrugged, unable to make eye contact with him. Why
was it so uncomfortable?
"Oh well," he said. "I guess you don't care." She looked over. "No, Danny!
I do care!" "No you don't," he muttered.
"Danny! Come on, don't be like that. I do care!" He looked at her, his
face only inches from hers. "Really?" he asked.
I should sit up or something, she thought. But she didn't. "Yeah," she
said, giving him a smile. He smiled back, looking her face over, then
leaned in. Pull away, she commanded herself, but she didn't. It happened
too fast; before she knew it their lips were touching. An electric tingle
shot through her body from the kiss, and with her eyes closed, for a
moment she didn't think it was wrong at all. Then he opened his mouth
against hers gently, and she jerked away, her eyes flying open. He turned
away from her.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
She didn't say anything, just lay there. Her mind was spinning.
"I'm sorry. It just happened. I didn't mean to kiss you," he told her,
still looking at the wall. "I know you have a boyfriend..."
"Yeah. I have Ryan," she murmured. For the first time Ryan didn't seem so
invincible.
They lay there for a minute, neither saying anything. Then Danny jumped
up.
"Aright!" he said. "Okay, now I can run away and we can both feel really
guilty and really shitty forever. Or we can just stay friends and laugh
about it?" She smiled, nodding. She felt relieved that he wasn't going to
get mad and run away. But she still felt horrible inside, and she knew he
was probably upset too, but trying to act like he didn't care. She felt
grateful for that.
"Aright, it sounds good to me. Sound good to you?" he asked.
She laughed. "Sounds good to me!"
"Cool." He leaned in and gave her a huge hug. "So, our evening isn't
ruined?"
"No, of course not! The night's still young!" They both laughed. Jen still
felt awkward, of course, but she knew he was right. It hadn't meant
anything, and she hadn't cheated on Ryan because she hadn't kissed him: he
had kissed her, and she had pulled away. They talked for awhile, laughing
and joking about people they knew and various things they had done while
apart. And they got serious, discussing personal things like their
families, and she told him about Ryan and arguments they had gotten in,
and sweet things he had done for her. Danny talked about a girl that went
to his school that he really liked, but how she was really hung up on
another guy who didn't feel the same. Jen gave him advice, and they lay on
her bed talking for a long while.
Finally, her dad knocked on the door. "Jen? When is Danny leaving so I can
close the gate?" She looked at Danny. "Um, he's probably gonna be here
awhile. He might just stay the night."
Her dad raised an eyebrow.
"Dad!" Jen said. "Come on, don't worry about it! I'm not gonna cheat on
Ryan!" She rolled her eyes. "Aright. The guest room has sheets on the
bed," he told them.
He left and they laughed. They talked for awhile longer, until they both
began to yawn.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to throw you in the guest room," Jen told him.
"All my friends sleep in my bed when they sleep over." Maybe she was just
flirting with him, or maybe she was just trying to prove how much
willpower she had.
"Oh, well, as long as you can control yourself young lady!"
They both laughed, getting ready for bed. "Aright," Jen ordered, pointing.
"Now, this is your half, and this is my half!"
"Oh, well you know, I only sleep in my boxers so you will have to keep
your hands to yourself." "Well, I'm only sleeping in my T-shirt," she told
him.
"Oh, yeah, like, as if!" he told her sarcastically, making a face as they
tumbled into bed. "Don't flatter yourself Jen!"
"Oh, sorry!" she laughed.
"You know," he told her as they lay in the dark. "I've had better offers
at the zoo!"
"Yeah, well I've had better offers at the state mental institution."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Your mother was pretty disappointed when I told her no!"
He burst out laughing, and they both traded insults until they fell
asleep.
Jen woke up, her mind fuzzy. She looked over, and jumped to see the
curtains moving. She hadn't locked her door. She froze, thinking it was a
burglar. The moonlight shined in brighter as the curtains were drawn back,
and she breathed a sigh of relief as she saw Ryan standing in the doorway.
Only half awake, she turned away for a second, then jerked out of sleep.
Danny was next to her, what if Ryan thought... He stood frozen as he
stared down at the bed, the male figure next to her naked for all he knew.
Jen sat up on her knees. "Ryan! You're back!" she exclaimed, trying to
sound excited. He knew she would never cheat on him, didn't he?
But he was only staring down at Danny, who was just now stirring.
"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow night," she told him.
She still tried to sound cheerful, not like someone who had done something
wrong. After all, she hadn't done anything wrong...
He looked at her for a second, too dark for her to see his eyes, then he
turned around and walked out of the open door.
"Ryan, wait!" she cried, almost falling on the floor as she jumped off her
bed. She ran out into the cold night, barefoot and barelegged, after him.
She reached him before he got out of her driveway and to his car on the
street, where he always parked when he came over in the night. She grabbed
his arms, trying to stop his brisk walking.
"Ryan! Ryan, stop!" He kept walking, pushing her away. "Will you just
stop?!?" she cried, jumping in front of him and trying to hold him still.
"Ryan," she whined. "We didn't do anything! It's not what it looks like!"
He shook his head. "Get out of my face!" he told her angrily, pushing her
away from him as he kept walking. "No!" she cried, grabbing him again and
pulling on his shirt as she planted her feet on the driveway. He dragged
her, and her ankle twisted, skinning her heal on the blacktop. She let out
a yelp, then yanked him back as hard as she could. "Listen to me!" she
cried. "If we have a relationship, then you will fucking listen to me!"
He pulled away, turning around and walking backward, shaking his head at
her. "I guess we don't have a relationship!" he snapped. "You wanna fuck
him? Yeah?" She shook her head, crying. "Well you can go finish fucking
him!" he yelled. "I'm leaving!" "We didn't do anything!" she screamed.
"Ryan, no!" she sobbed, running out into the street after him, throwing
her arms around his waist as he fumbled for his keys. She turned him
around roughly and grabbed his face, making her look at him. He clenched
his jaw, and a tear slowly rolled down each of his cheeks. "We didn't do
anything!" she told him, in his face. "He's my friend, he stayed over.
Nothing, okay. Nothing! Look Ryan," she begged, pulling up her T-shirt.
"Underwear! Look, underwear..." she whispered. He stared down at her, then
pulled away and leaned against his car. He wiped his eyes. "You promise
me, you didn't do anything?"
"I promise!"
"Nothing?!? You didn't so much as kiss him?!?" She dropped her eyes,
looking down at his hand which she clutched
in her own. She didn't answer him, her mind spinning. She should just lie,
but no, if he found out, he... He stared at her, then pushed her hand
away. "You fucking kissed him!" he said fiercely.
"Well, I, no..." she began. She could lie, but he would know. "No, he
kissed me!"
"God!" he shouted, opening the car door angrily. "No, Ryan!" she cried.
"No! He kissed me! I told him no! Ryan,
stay!" she screamed as he got in his car. He turned to face her. "Get out
of my face Jen!" he told her. "Get out of my fucking face!" he yelled at
her, starting the car and slamming the door shut. She banged on the door,
crying, "Ryan! I love you! Stop! We didn't do anything!" She leaned on the
car. His car jerked into reverse and she stumbled forward, nearly falling.
"We didn't do anything!" she screamed, but it was no use. He turned
around, angrily, and sped away.
Sobbing, she sank to the ground. "We didn't do anything!" she cried,
grabbing the dirt and gravel in her fists. "I love you!" she whispered,
the gravel digging into the bare skin of her shins, hurting her. She
pushed down harder with her legs, making the pain stronger. She sobbed,
her throat swelling larger, it seemed, with each one.
"Jen!" said Danny. "Come on, it's okay!" he told her, dragging her up. He
had put his clothes on, and kept out of it as he watched them from her
driveway. "It's okay!" She shook her head. "He hates me!" she sobbed, as
he pulled her back on her property. "Ryan hates me!" "He doesn't! He's
just mad!" Danny whispered, his arm around her.
"Yes he does!' she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Shh!" he told her.
But her parents had already been awakened, the door opening as her dad
peered out, in his pajamas.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
Jen was still sobbing, unable to answer. Danny just shrugged.
"Jen, what is going on?"
They walked in through her front door, the heat encompassing them and the
light shocking their eyes. Jen pushed Danny away, covering her eyes with
her forearm and crying.
"What happened? Why are you all dirty Jen?" her dad asked.
She sat on the couch, whimpering.
Her dad looked at Danny.
Danny shrugged. "Um, Ryan came over and I was in her bed, and he freaked
out and he, um, is sort of upset and he thinks she cheated on him."
"Jen!" her dad said. "Danny should have been in the guest room. What was
Ryan doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Dad, shut up!" she yelled at him. "Just shut up!" she whispered.
"We just sort of fell asleep," Danny offered. "We didn't do anything but
he thinks we did." Her dad tried to comfort her, rubbing her shoulder.
"Honey, it will be okay."
She shook her head, and her mom came out, demanding to know what was
happening.
"Ryan came over and Danny was sleeping her bed, and he thinks something
happened between them. Nothing did, did it?" he asked Danny, who shook his
head frantically. "Oh, shit," said her mom, sitting down next to her on
the couch and hugging her. "I know, but it will be okay."
Jen sobbed. "I love him, Mom," she whispered. "I love Ryan. Now he hates
me!"
"No, I-I think he's just upset," said her mom, looking at her husband.
Jen kept crying, and her mom comforted her for awhile, until she stopped,
her face sore. "It'll be okay, hon," her mom told her. "When he calms down
he'll listen to you."
Jen nodded. "I hope so," she whispered. "It will be!" Danny said. "Come on
Jenny Penny, smile!"
She gave him a weak smile.
"Aright. Don't worry about it. Maybe we should go back to bed," suggested
her dad, tired. "I can't sleep," mumbled Jen.
"Come on Jen, we can talk," said Danny. "Come on." They went back to bed,
her mom hugging her still and telling her it would be okay.
Jen lay back on her bed, staring at the bright light overhead. Danny lay
next to her, trying to comfort her though he had no clue what to say.
"He's just mad," he told her. "If he didn't love you he wouldn't have
left."
"I don't think he'll forgive me," she whispered. "Jen, you didn't do
anything wrong. What, did you tell him I kissed you?"
She sighed sadly. "Yeah... But he thinks we kissed each other, I think. I
told him I said no." "I'm so sorry Jen. It's all my fault."
"No, don't say that. It's not your fault," she muttered.
"Well, you know what? If it's not my fault--and I know it's not your
fault--then excuse my saying so, but I think it's Ryan's fault!"
"No..." she murmured.
"Yes, I think it is!" he told her. "He is so damn quick to judge.
I mean, he's a good guy and all," he added. "But he should have stayed and
heard you out."
She nodded, still staring at the ceiling. "I'm serious. I know it must
have looked bad, but you're his girlfriend and he should trust you." "No!"
she told him. "It's not- you can't just blame Ryan!"
"I'm not blaming him blaming him! It's just that, if someone is at fault
for the way you're feeling now, it's him! Because you didn't do anything
wrong! Unless of course," he added. "It's my fault and you think so." "No,
Danny!" she sighed. "I guess... But, he was so upset," she murmured. "He
was crying, Danny. He's never cried."
"Oh he's cried," Danny told her. "You just haven't seen him. But really?
He was crying?"
She nodded. "Yeah..."
"Well, see, he must be really hurt and upset and everything. He's probably
really hurting. See, if he didn't love you he wouldn't be so upset."
She nodded again, wiping her eyes. "I know..." "Yeah? I know he does. It
did look bad, but he'll calm down. He's just mad, and he'll realize what a
dork he was and come crawling back."
"I don't want him to come crawling back," she whispered. "I just want him
back." She started to cry again.
"Jen, he loves you. And you love him. If you didn't, I know you wouldn't
have been able to resist charming old Danny, now huh?"
She smiled, then laughed. "Yeah, I do." "And he knows it. And the thought
of you with another guy really upsets him, so be happy that he cares so
much. Even if he is being a dork."
She gave him another smile.
When she woke up she felt like crying again. Danny had to leave, and Dana
wasn't home. She lay on her bed, miserable.
Her mom came in, bringing in her clean laundry. "How are you doing?" she
asked.
Jen shrugged sadly.
Her mom sat down on the bed. "Did you guys break up?" "I guess," she told
her. "I don't know. Probably. I don't think
he wants me anymore," she whispered, starting to cry. "Oh honey," soothed
her mom. "He's making a big mistake. He'll realize it. He'll say he's
sorry." Jen shrugged, then shook her head, still crying. "I'm sure he was
upset that he saw Danny with you in the middle of the night. It did look
pretty bad, didn't it?"
Jen nodded.
"So he just stormed off. He'll realize it and come back to you, I'm sure.
If he doesn't then he's losing out." She didn't say anything.
"Why was he coming over here so late?"
She shrugged, her heart racing.
"He should call before he shows up at someone's house, especially in the
middle of the night." Facing away from her mom, Jen rolled her eyes. Her
heart was still pounding in her ears. There was an awkward silence, and
Jen knew her mom wasn't stupid. "Um, I think he came back early and just
wanted to surprise me."
"Well he should have waited," she said. She paused. "Jen, exactly how
serious are you two?" "What do you mean?" Jen asked, playing dumb. "We
love each other." Oh good answer Jen! she thought. It sets us up well.
"I mean, if he was coming over here in the middle of the night, he was
sneaking over here, what, was he coming over to sleep with you?"
Jen didn't answer.
Her mom paused. "Jen, have you two had sex?" she asked.
"Mom," Jen groaned, exasperatingly. But she knew her mom wouldn't stop her
questioning now.
"Jen, I have a right to know. What have you done?" "Don't worry about it
Mom," she muttered. "I'm not gonna get
pregnant and I'm not gonna get any diseases." "You are going to get
pregnant!" her mother told her angrily. "You've slept with him, haven't
you?" "Yes, we have, okay?" And I have great fucking orgasms, she thought
sarcastically.
Her mom didn't say anything. At that moment Jen didn't give a damn anymore
about hiding it. Finally her mom spoke. "We didn't raise you like that
Jen."
"Oh, like what?" Jen snapped.
"Like this! Plus you're too young and immature to be having sex!"
"Oh, please! You always tell me I'm so mature. Now I'm too immature to do
something. Make up your mind." Jen felt badly, she never spoke to her mom
like that. She didn't say anything, just looked at her laying daughter on
the bed for a while. "Well," she said quietly. "Are you using birth
control?" Jen nodded. "Yeah, I'm on the pill."
Her mom's voice wavered as she spoke. "You should have told me that!" She
burst into tears. Jen groaned silently. She hated it when her mom cried.
"Why?" she asked. "You would have just gotten mad. Like you're doing now!
See, you don't understand." "I do understand! You don't tell me something
like this!"
"What exactly would it have helped?" she demanded sullenly.
Her mom just sniffled.
"Mom, it doesn't matter now, okay? We already did it. I'm not a slut, we
were in love," her voice choked on those words "and we waited a long time,
okay? I don't regret doing it one bit, aright?"
She continued to sniffle. "Well, it just makes me feel left out."
Jen looked over at her mom finally. "Do you really want to be involved
with my sex life? I don't think you do, because I don't want to be
involved in yours!" Her mom didn't know what to say, and just looked down
at her. Finally Jen started to cry again. "That's the least of my problems
right now," she sobbed. "Now he hates me!"
Her mom patted her on the back awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
Chapter 23
By that night Jen had made up her mind to go see him. She got in her car,
feeling like such a spoiled brat. After all, her parents gave her so much.
She remembered when Ryan had taught her how to drive, and how frustrated
they had both been, him especially. But he had still let her learn on his
car, and had tried to be so patient with her.
But now she was scared to death, and she wanted to turn around and go
back. What if he was sure he didn't want her? What if he never believed
her? She felt numb as she rang the doorbell. Usually she would have walked
in, but now she was too nervous to. She looked around while she stood on
the doorstep, staring at his car in the driveway. She heard voices, and
then the door opened. Robby opened it. "Come in," he said, as though she
were retarded. She came in slowly, looking around for Ryan. "He's in his
room," Robby told her, walking back to the living room.
She was left alone in the front hall, and she slowly walked towards his
bedroom. She heard his stereo. She knocked on the door several times
before she heard the music die down and Ryan loudly say, "Come in!" She
opened the door slowly and walked in. Ryan looked at her then looked away.
She closed the door behind her as he turned his stereo back up.
"Please turn your stereo down," she told him underneath the loud music. He
ignored her, and she repeated it. Finally she walked over to his stereo
and turned it off. He still wouldn't look at her, just stared at the
ceiling.
"Ryan," she said, her voice shaking. "If we have a relationship, you will
listen to me."
He ignored her.
"You will listen to me, or else you will lose me. Is that what you want?"
His eyes met hers, but he didn't answer. "I want to tell you what
happened," she said, her voice slightly pleading.
"I don't want to know," he told her simply. "You cheated on me, and that's
good enough for me." "I didn't!"
"Yeah you did," he said disgustedly, looking away. "I didn't! Ryan, I told
you, nothing happened!" "Oh, except you kissed him. You kissed Danny. That
is cheating in my book, aright?"
"Ryan, why won't you listen to me?"
He shrugged. "Maybe I don't wanna. It's black and white, so it doesn't
matter."
"Why?"
"Because you fucking cheated on me, aright? Now I don't want a girlfriend
who cheats on me. That's fucking bullshit. I don't forgive that."
"Well you don't need to forgive me, because I did nothing wrong!"
He rolled his eyes, looking away again and staring at the wall.
"Ryan," she said gently, trying not to cry. "I love you. I would never
cheat on you. Now what happened is that me and Danny were talking, and
hanging out, okay? Are you listening?"
"No."
"Well listen!" she cried. He looked up. "We were hanging out, and he
leaned in and kissed me. And I pulled away and said no."
He paused. "Well, why the hell was he in bed with you?"
"We didn't do anything. He just stayed over and I didn't really care if he
slept in my room. 'Cause I wasn't gonna do anything with him."
"Well why did he kiss you?"
"I don't know! Because we were just sitting there, and it just happened.
He felt really bad." "Well, did you feel bad?" he asked sullenly. "Maybe
you didn't. How long was this kiss, anyway?" She sighed, hurt still. "It
was fast! It wasn't a real kiss, not like a you kiss!" she told him,
whining. "Here, you be me and I'll be Danny, and I'll show you!" He rolled
his eyes. "Oh yeah?" he asked her. "I'll be you? Okay, here!" He spread
his legs and lifted them up in the air.
Jen was horrified. She couldn't breathe, nor move as she stared at him.
Her jaw had dropped, and her eyes filled with tears.
He didn't say anything else, just looked at her staring at him, his legs
still like that. She turned away from him, her hand on her cheek as though
he had hit her. She heard him stand up, but she didn't turn around.
"I was kidding Jen," she heard him say softly. "I was just kiddin'..." He
touched her on the shoulder, telling her he didn't mean it.
She spun around, and pushed him away. Tears dripped down her cheeks. He
came towards her again, trying to hug her, but she slapped his face.
"Fuck," he muttered, shocked, his hand to his cheek. He moved towards her
again, and she jumped, flinching as she threw her arm in front of her face
to protect herself.
He stared at her in disbelief, gulping. "No, Jen..." he whispered. He
shook his head. "I wasn't going to hit you! No, I wasn't!"
She lowered her arm, staring at him as she backed away.
"No!" he told her. "No! I wasn't going to hit you! I would never hit you!"
he pleaded. "Don't you believe me?" "I hate you," she whispered, turning
around and walking out.
"No," he whispered. "No, I wasn't!" he cried, going after her. She broke
into a run as she got down the hall, and he chased her, catching up with
her as she fumbled with the doorknob. "Jen, come on! I'm sorry, I'm
sorry!" he begged, trying to hug her.
She struggled with him, trying to push him away, before she turned around
and thrust her knee up into his groin.
"Ohhahhh!" he groaned, doubling over from the blow. "Don't you fucking
touch me!" she told him, shaking. He gasped, gritting his teeth from the
pain. "Don't you ever fucking touch me again!"
She opened the door and ran out, slamming it in his face.
"Oh fuck," he gasped, knowing what he had done. "Shit!" He leaned against
the door, and the tears started to fall. He sobbed, forcing himself to
stand up. "What did you do to her Ryan?" asked Robby from the kitchen,
staring at him.
He shook his head, embarrassed that he was crying, and went back to his
room, collapsing on his bed. He gasped as he cried, his pillow wet beneath
his cheeks. He sobbed, and whispered over and over that he was sorry.
He hadn't meant to hurt her of course, he never did. He just let his anger
and hurt get the best of him, like usual. He was so damn impetuous.
He had planned on calling her and saying he was sorry that he left her
there, but that he had been upset, and that the situation looked bad
anyway he looked at it. And then he planned on calmly telling her that he
didn't think it was right for her ex-boyfriend to sleep in her bed. He had
planned his speech all out. But then she had surprised him by coming over,
and it just happened. He hadn't meant what he had done. No way did he
think she was some sort of slut.
Ryan knew he had blown it big time. He prayed she would forgive him. He
prayed to God she'd take him back.
Chapter 24
Jen was laying in bed, asleep, when her answering machine went off. She
hadn't heard it ring, and was barely aware of her voice announcing she
wasn't home. It was dark, and she could see the red light of her machine.
"Babe I'm believin', I must be on my way. The time is drawing near..."
She began to cry, it was her and Ryan's song, an old song from the
seventies.
"... The train is going, I see it in your eyes... the love, the pain, your
tears..."
She sobbed into her pillow.
"But I'll be lonely without you... I need your love to see me
through... So please believe me, my heart is in your hands, and I'll be
missing you... Babe, I love you..." She sat up, holding her pillow to her
chest as she gulped for air.
"Because it's you babe, whenever I get lonely and I've had enough, feel
like giving up..." She picked up the phone, choking back sobs. Ryan
switched off the music. "I love you Jen. Why do I do this to you?" he
whispered. "I love you, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, just this last
time." "Ryan, why? You think I'm a slut. I'm a fucking whore to you!"
"No, no! You're not! I don't, I don't think it at all. I didn't mean it. I
don't know why I did that. I was just mad. Please, please know that. I'm
sorry, I didn't mean it."
She didn't answer him, crying and still angry, but knowing deep down that
she would forgive him. She loved him too much not to.
"I love you, I'm sorry I ever thought you cheated on me. I shouldn't have
jumped to conclusions like that." "You think I'm a slut," she repeated in
a whisper. "I don't! Jen, I don't! I love you, more than anything. I was
just mad. Please?"
"I love you Ryan," she said, still sounding a bit angry. "I can't stay mad
at you, you know that. So why do you do this? I never did anything with
him!" "I know that, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry, I'm such an
asshole. I don't deserve you. I abuse you." "Ryan, you don't abuse me,"
Jen told him, muttering. "I do," he whispered. "I don't hit you but I do.
I abused you mentally by doing that. I saw it on a talk show, mental
abuse."
"Oh Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. Don't even think that. You were just mad.
Mental abuse is different, so don't even think that."
He didn't answer her.
"I think I saw that talk show too," she said, trying to make him feel
better. "It was like, neo-nazis who abuse their wives mentally, and then
they sleep with their best friend's parents or something..."
That made him laugh.
"See, I forgive you. Because I love you. And we didn't do anything, I
swear we didn't," she persisted. "I know," he sighed. "It just, you don't
understand what it was like, this naked guy in your bed, when I come in to
surprise you. I mean, Ohhh," he groaned. "No, I understand I guess. I
thought about what I would do if it would have been the other way around."
"I guess I was entitled to my anger. But I still was a jerk, what I said,
and what I did," he added. "You're sure you're not pissed still?"
"I guess not. Maybe a little."
"I love you. I came home early to surprise you." "Oh, I'm sorry. Come over
now."
"Yeah? Okay, I'll be right over. I love you." "I love you too."
They hung up, and she lay there on her bed again, each minute seeming an
eternity. While she waited she thought what would happen if he never
showed up, having been killed in an accident. Tears welled in her eyes at
the thought, and she blinked them back. How could she not forgive him? She
loved him so much. She knew he didn't abuse her mentally, and her heart
ached that he thought so, knowing how sorry he was.
She angered at herself for letting Danny sleep in her bed. It was mean, to
Danny, to Ryan, and to herself. She had been testing herself to prove how
strong she was, but it was cruel for all involved she supposed. Danny had
been wrong when he had said it was Ryan's fault that she was upset after
he left. It was Jen's fault that night, not his. Ryan was at fault the
next night, but the before had been Jen's.
She smiled when she heard his car, and her heart sped up when he knocked
at her door. She hoped her parents were sound asleep. They hadn't said
anything else about her sexual activities, and she hoped they would stay
out of it.
She let him in, and he held out a big bouquet of flowers for her. She
hugged him tightly, so happy that he was here.
"Thank you," she whispered, putting the flowers in her vase.
He sat on her bed, rubbing his eyes.
"School tomorrow," she sighed.
He nodded. "I know. Why do I do this to you Jen?" "Ryan!" she sighed.
"Stop it. I forgive you. I do." "I shouldn't have done that. No way," he
told her, staring at the floor.
"Ohhh," she whispered, pulling him to her on the bed. "I know. I forgive
you, aright? That's what relationships are about, forgiveness and
compromise and you know."
He nodded, starting to cry. He broke down in front of her for the first
time, and he sobbed in her arms. "Don't cry!" she told him, amazed once
again that he was crying.
"You hate me Jen?" he whispered.
"No, I don't! I could never hate you, hon. I just said that 'cause I was
mad. I'm not perfect. We're not perfect, but we just have to keep trying."
She hugged him tighter.
He nodded again, and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, that's what my parents say,
that you have to work at relationships."
"Your family is so perfect."
"Nah," he sniffled. "They're not really, you know that. They fight."
She shrugged.
"Really, you've seen 'em!" he said. "But we don't fight that much," he
added suddenly, trying to comfort himself, and her.
She shook her head, smiling at him. "We hardly ever fight. We've only had
a couple of big ones." "Yeah, I guess that's like my parents, we are. They
get along great, they love each other of course, but when they don't, look
out!"
"Yeah, that's us. I guess we get cruel sometimes," she said quietly.
"I do, you mean."
"No, I do too! I've said mean stuff to you before. Remember?"
He shrugged. "But I still love you."
"I love you too," she said, kissing him, feeling so happy. They lay on her
bed, just kissing for awhile. "So, am I a better kisser than Danny?" he
teased. She laughed, happy that he could joke about it. "Oh, much better.
Much, much better."
"Good. You're a much better kisser than Danny, too!" She burst out
laughing, so happy that everything had worked out. She tickled him and he
tickled her back. A knock came at her door, and she jumped. Ryan looked
startled as the door opened and her mom peered in. Ryan sat up, and her
mom didn't seem too surprised to see him. "Jen, you didn't wake me up, but
can you please keep it down? I heard you guys laughing down the hall."
"Sure, sorry," Jen told her mom.
"Aright, good-night."
Ryan looked amazed as the door closed. "Uh, doesn't your mom care that I'm
here so late?"
Jen shrugged, relieved, but just as surprised as him. "I guess not. She
knows we've done it by the way." "Really? You told her?"
"Yeah, she asked. I had to. She got upset, but I guess she figures they
can't stop us. Wow..." He kissed her. "They know we're in love." "Right.
Wow, I still thought she'd throw you out though. But I love you," she
murmured.
They kissed again, holding each other tightly before and after she turned
out the light.
Chapter:
Preface
01-03
04-06
07-09
10-12
13-15
16-18
19-21
22-24 25-27
28-30
31-33
34-36
37-42
43-47
48-49
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