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It was still very dark outside when the radio alarm
went off in its usual noisy way. It need not have bothered, I was not
asleep. In fact, I had not slept much that entire night, and it had been
late when I turned in. Today was going to be an interesting day. That was
an understatement. I was preparing to drive out to a small Western Kansas
town to meet someone I had been corresponding with through email.
I was excited, no doubt about that. I raced through a shower, grabbed up a
few things and headed out the door. I had fueled up the car the night
before, but I still stopped by the Quick trip store for some coffee. Then
I headed for the entrance ramp and headed north.
So down the road I went. So much to think about, and I was not totally
sure how I felt about the whole thing. Writing to a person was one thing,
meeting them was something else. I had been around the Internet world long
enough to know people can be just about anything they want to in chat
rooms and through email. You really didn’t know what was real and what was
phony. I was taking a chance, but then so was she. I can’t imagine how she
must have felt. She had a stranger en-route to her house, coming from
miles away, and what did she really know about him? I guess we were both
in it pretty deep. I would not have blamed her one bit if I arrived and
found her to be gone, or even hiding out, having changed her mind.
I am sure we were both asking ourselves the same questions. Why am I doing
this, am I nuts? What if they don’t like me or think I am ugly….what if I
don’t like them and think they are ugly? Will we find it as easy to talk
in person? Will either of us be disappointed and if so, what is the
graceful way out? I drove on through the rain, a mix of emotions. Think
about it, we’d been writing love letters back and forth! We had not even
been writing each other that long, had never met, spoken on the phone
maybe twice, and we were writing love letters? We had gotten to know each
other in a very different way. It was not based on physical attraction,
because we had no idea what each other looked like. We had only spoken on
the phone once or twice, and then very briefly. So what we felt towards
each other was based on personalities, and the only clues we had towards
that had been through email.
Thoughts rolled through my head. We had written and spoken of our love for
each other, each saying they didn’t care what the other looked like. Did
we really feel that way or was it just a bunch of emotional talk? I wanted
to think I was not such a shallow person that I would have gone back on my
words if she turned out to be…shall we say….not very attractive. What
would I do if I got there and she was some 300 lb nightmare? I had fallen
in love with a person through email, basing that feeling on her
personality and values. Would I be so shallow to back out on mere
appearance?
What about her? She had said the same things about me. She didn’t know
what I looked like. Was she the sort of person who would back out on
appearance? I can’t imagine the pain of talking love with someone for
weeks on end, and then have them turn you away because you didn’t meet
their “looks” requirements. It was a hard question and I didn’t know if I
could examine myself honestly enough to answer it. I am sure she was
wrestling with some of the same questions. . I still had several hours
before I would be at my destination. Plenty of time left for me to think,
dream, anticipate, dread, worry….all of the above.
Had I been true to myself through those emails? Had I been totally honest
and not misrepresented myself? I could not think of any way that I had
been less or more than who I really am, but what had she perceived me to
be? Would she really be what I perceived her to be?
Now, it may sound like I over-analyze everything. But I had just been
through a marriage that grew very painful towards the end. That was mostly
behind me now, in fact, I was actually glad and relieved that it was over.
I had given everything I had to turn things around, with no success. I
didn’t realize what a strain I had been under, till after it was over. It
became a relief, and it felt like a huge weight had fallen off of me, and
I was not going to get in a position to be tormented like that again.
One does walk away with scars though from any sort of painful, hurtful
experience. I also knew she would have her scars as well. We both had
baggage from our past experiences that did affect the way we felt and
looked at things. We all have our own “filter” through which we pass and
process everything through. Sometimes our “filter” which is set in place
and controlled by our experiences in life, will change or modify those
things we pass through it. We weigh everything against what we have
“learned” through the things that hurt or helped us. Because of this,
people misread each other’s words, thoughts and intents. Both of us would
have our own preconceived ideas, and we would not even know we had them
and were measuring everything by them. Both of us coming from failed
marriages, would have different things that we had and were dealing with,
and would go into a new relationship with those things having an
influence.
It was also true that this situation had gotten a bit out of control. It
went very quickly from being “friends” to out and out love letters. It
seemed a bit crazy, and yet…it seemed somehow……ok. It was confusing to me
and it went against everything I thought I believed. It went against every
barrier and protection system I had setup. I felt I was “jumping” into
something, and it went against my natural senses of caution…and at the
same time something was telling me that this was ok and was right. I
struggled to remember just how it went from point a to point b, but it
happened so fast.
In my mind I went over and over the conversations we had had by email. I
had printed out all of our correspondence before going on my trip to
Texas, and had put them in order and read and re-read them. I had
speculated so many times on what she would look like, and the sort of
person she would be. I am sure she had done the same, looking for clues
about me, trying to read between the lines to find out who I really was.
Marriage…..was this really in my future with this person? How could I have
already talked about marriage with her? My kids didn’t know…they’d have
thought me totally nuts if they had known I had already bought her a ring.
Maybe I was nuts. I had asked myself hundreds of times….”Are you sure you
aren’t just doing this because you are lonely?” Well, maybe…but somehow
there seemed to be much more to it than that. When I started writing to
her, it was through a pen pal website. I really was not looking for a
girlfriend, but rather a girl friend. Just someone to write to, someone
who had been through the same sort of junk and also needed a friend.
I finally reached the turn, now I had less then 50 miles to go. Coming
into some little small town, I was in need of gas. I turned into some
small ragged looking mom and pop convenience store and filled up and got a
soft drink. Little did I know that while I had picked up gas, I had also
picked up a nail in my tire.
I finally reached the little town. I reached for the email to see if I
could figure out the directions she had given. It was not much of a town,
just a tired and worn out little place that had never been anything and
never would. You found yourself wondering how it ever came to be and how
it had managed to stay alive. Picture the brightest spot in the universe,
this place was as far away from that spot as you could get.
The directions I had been given weren’t the clearest….I drove about for a
bit until I finally figured them out. It was a small enough town that I
could have just gone up and down every street if I’d had to, and it still
would not have taken long. She lived in an apartment complex. It was a
multi-unit complex, a facility for low income families. That didn’t
matter. Even though I owned my own home, it was nothing to brag about. A
small, cheap, rundown brick home in a neighborhood full of homes that all
looked the same. So this was no big deal. A place to live is a place to
live. You do what you can and what you have to and try to make it home.
I parked in front, which actually turned out to be behind, as you had to
walk around the building to get to the front door, and there was no back
door I knocked on the door and she answered and invited me in. I had some
flowers with me that I had picked up the night before. It seems a little
silly now. But I had wanted it to be special, and so far, it had not gone
quite the way I expected. Now, in saying that, I might add that I didn’t
know what to expect, this was the first time I had ever done anything like
this. You paint all sorts of images and scenarios of what “could” happen.
But for the most part you are going into it blind and even a bit scared,
and at times you wonder why in the world you got yourself into something
so crazy and unknown. But curiosity eventually gets the better of fear and
you press on.
So here we are, 2 people who had been writing love letters back and forth
for some time. We occupied our evenings chatting through email. It would
have been so much easier if we’d have had access to a chat-room, but I did
not have that sort of Internet access, and had my own personal reasons for
hating chat-rooms. We knew each other and were strangers at the same time.
It was almost easier when the person on the other end was a mystery. You
had to keep reminding yourself that this was the person on the other end.
Somehow, you missed the contact you had developed through e-mail, as this
was the only way you had known the person before. It was so different when
they were just words on a page. Your own imagination filled in the rest of
the blanks and you want on from there. It felt so strange….so different….
But this was no longer imagination, this was real and it was right here
and now. She opened the door, we were both nervous, and she invited me in,
trying to tell me how sorry she was about the earlier experience. I told
her it was ok and resolved to put the entire incident behind me and find
try to live in the right now instead.
I had told her on the phone before leaving home, that I was going to kiss
her when I walked through the door. That seemed so natural then, I mean,
we had been writing love letters back and forth and talking marriage. But
what I thought would be so easy and natural then was not so easy now.
Then, it was words on a screen and a voice on a phone. It was real and it
wasn’t. Now I was looking face to face with a total stranger who was not a
stranger. Make sense out of that if you can. I decided to kiss her just as
I had planned. I think it took her by surprise, as she really didn’t kiss
me back…and it didn’t last long…and I think we both felt a bit
uncomfortable when it was over. It was one of those things that I found
myself wishing I would not have done…at least right away.
We made small talk, and I told her of some food I had brought, that needed
to come out of the car. She walked back to the car with me and I noticed
that I had a tire going flat. Yep…I remembered a small mom and pop gas
station I had pulled into a ways before coming into her town. I bet I
picked it up there. I quickly changed the tire to the donut spare, and she
told me of a place I could get it fixed. We had to hurry though, as they
would close in just a few hours and then it would be Monday before I could
get it worked on.
She had arranged it so that I would be staying at the home of some friends
of hers. I had intended to stay at a motel, but they insisted I stay with
them and save the money. It made me a bit uncomfortable, but I did need to
conserve some funds.. We took my clothes over to their house. They seemed
friendly enough, and showed me the room I could use and told me to make
myself at home.
We went back to her place which was right across the street. She had
prepared an egg, cheese and sausage casserole, and we ate lunch together.
After lunch I went and sat on the couch while she put everything away and
then she came and sat down beside me.
Now what happened next is still foggy in my mind. I am not sure I can
recap it, as it happened so fast and was totally unplanned by either of
us. To this very day, almost 8 years later, I can’t quite put it all
together. Here is what happened next as best as I can recall.
We had finished our lunch, and I was sitting on the couch. We had
continued to talk about this and that, just trying to get more comfortable
with each other. She came over and sat on the couch beside me, and we
continued to talk. We held hands for a little bit, then she leaned forward
and kissed me. Now this was a different kiss than our first one. On the
first one, I kissed her and she more or less allowed it. But now…it was
not her kissing me. It was a bit awkward, but then it changed. It was not
me kissing her or her kissing me…we were kissing each other….this was
mutual…this was shared. This kiss had passion in it.
That passion began to build, it was beginning to consume both of us and we
started to be come lost in each other. Both of us had months of pent up
loneliness and desire. The events unfolding now had not been part of
either of our plans, but neither of us made a move to stop it. I don’t
think either of us could have stopped it, and maybe, just maybe, it would
not have been right to stop it.
The passion built and grew. The kisses were hot and passionate as were the
caresses. We began to French kiss and each of us received a hickey or two.
We were kissing hot and heavy, like two teen-agers on prom night. We were
totally lost in each other. Time didn’t exist…our towns…our jobs… ….our
kids….our failed marriages…..our failures…our fears….financial
struggles…and the empty days and nights….all were overpowered and cast
aside by the love and passion that had engulfed us. The only thoughts on
our minds was each other and the joy and excitement we were feeling. The
rest of the world didn’t exist, and we could not have asked for more.
We slid down on the couch, lying beside each other, locked in an embrace,
kissing and caressing each other. No words were spoken, none were needed.
After a long while, I gently ran my hand over the front of her blouse,
lightly touching her breast, and even through the fabric I could feel her
erect nipple. I began to gently squeeze one breast while running my mouth
and lips over the other. I could feel her nipple on my lips, and it was
driving me wild. I think it was having the same effect on her too.
The kissing and caressing continued…all sense of time was lost. We were
hopelessly lost in each other now, and we were heading down the first hill
of a giant roller coaster and picking up speed. There would be no stopping
or turning back…I think maybe we both knew that….and somehow we didn’t
care.
I began to slowly unbutton her blouse. Everything inside of me screamed,
“What are you doing! This isn’t supposed to be happening…stop now…get up
and go across the room…tell her you’re sorry…..she’s going to think you
are a big phony! You’re going to blow the best thing you have ever had!!”
I could not believe this was happening! I could not believe I was actually
doing this. But somehow I just could not stop. I expected her to recoil
away from me as one by one the buttons came undone….I expected her to pull
away and demand that I get out and never come back….but she didn’t say a
thing….or make any attempt to stop me….in fact…she seemed to want what was
happening as much as I did.
What if she had protested? I would have been mortally embarrassed, and
would have never been able to make her believe that this was the farthest
thing from my mind when I planned this visit. I would have went home
ashamed and feeling like a complete jerk and a failure. Yes, I had planned
to kiss her…but not this…this was out of control…I had never allowed
myself to get out of control like this before. This was not like me at
all….why couldn’t I stop…..why didn’t she stop me…us….our roller coaster
was picking up speed…and we were enjoying the ride. There was no getting
out of the car now.
Her blouse was now unbuttoned and open….I began to kiss the areas of her
breasts left exposed by her bra…I ran my lips over her bra…pulling at her
nipple through the fabric…I slipped one hand under her bra and gently felt
her breast, and caressed her nipple. Everything in her actions told me
that it was ok…if she didn’t like what was happening…she made no
indication. It had gone too far now….I couldn’t stop…I didn’t want to
stop….and I was not sure she wanted me to.
What about her, what was going through her mind? Did she ever want to
stop? Had she had thoughts herself about getting up and stopping
everything? Did she worry about what sort of girl I would think she was?
Or was she afraid to stop me, afraid that this “stranger” would get
violent and take what he seemed to want, by force. Did she think that she
was in more danger to stop me than to just allow it to happen? Did she
worry about getting pregnant? I can’t believe I didn’t worry about
that….but for whatever reason, neither of us tried to stop or hinder the
other.
I kept kissing her and reached behind her and undid the fastener of her
bra. then slowly raised it up, exposing her breasts. They were beautiful,
the prettiest and sweetest little breasts that I had ever seen and I had
to tell her that. They were small, only a “A’ sized cup, but pert and so
firm and beautiful.I though they were a perfect size. I caressed one and
began to suck on the other, pulling her nipple hard into my mouth. She
began to arch her back to push them even deeper, as if trying to press her
entire breast into my mouth. She grabbed my head with her hands and pulled
me tight and hard against her breast. I sucked them hard and with passion,
rolling the nipple of her other breast between my fingers. I pulled hard
on each nipple with my lips, and sucked it and licked it. It was one of
the most wonderful experiences I had ever had.
I continued to kiss and suck and caress both breasts, and finally pulled
off her blouse and bra and tossed them on the floor. She lay there topless
before me with those two gorgeous breasts, which I devoted my full
attention to. We kissed deeply as I rubbed and squeezed her breasts and
played with her nipples. I ran my mouth and tongue over every inch of
them. I was lost in the delights before me, and I wanted her like I had
never wanted anyone before.
I was sucking hard on one of her nipples, and reached down and undid the
snap to her jeans….and pulled her zipper down. I slid my hand inside her
panties and began to caress her moist pussy. I felt her legs open up,
making it easier for me to reach her. We were totally en wrapped in each
other…passion had us in a tight grasp….and nothing was going to stop us…we
weren’t going to let it. It seemed that by now both of us knew where it
was going….and neither of us was making a move to change that course.
I kissed her, kissed each breast, then rose from the couch and walked
around to the other end. She lay there on her back, and I took hold of the
end of her jeans and pulled them off. Then I reached down and slowly
removed her panties. I kept those panties and still have them. She was now
totally nude before me, and one of the most beautiful sights I had ever
seen. Her pussy was beautiful, and seemed to be begging for attention.
I quickly removed my clothes and began to rub her all over. If there had
been any question as to how far this was going to go, the answer was clear
now. By this point, all the alarms going off in my head telling me to stop
had pretty much been silenced. I was totally lost in my desire for this
person. Somehow it seemed right….how could it be right….but it felt
right….it felt good….it felt natural…..as if we had known each other for
years…..we had already talked marriage……she didn’t know it yet….but I had
already bought a ring……I guess we were going to have the honeymoon before
the wedding. I guess I felt some regret about that….this should have been
our honeymoon night….all the newness and joy and passion…. But those
thoughts were not in my head at this moment….hardly….nothing from the
outside world was in my head….nothing else existed…..just her and I.
I gently positioned myself on top of her, kissing her, her breasts and
caressing her soft pussy. But there had been plenty of foreplay and desire
took over. With no urging at all, she opened her legs as I fumbled to
insert myself into her. I plunged myself deep into her and began to thrust
slowly and gently, growing harder and faster. She began to cry out with
pleasure, and began to meet my thrusts with her own body. She was crying
out, “Hurt me..Hurt me!” I didn’t quite know what to make of that, never
getting that response before. I was now thrusting in and out of her as
hard as I could. We were one…totally one….and we were lost in the passion,
the pleasure and the love we felt. No honeymoon could have meant more than
this moment…..this was our honeymoon….we had already made commitments to
each other in our hearts….
I came much too soon. I wished I could have gone on non stop for an hour.
Both of us had forgotten how much we had missed the physical love that can
be enjoyed between a man and a woman. I had forgotten how much I needed
it…I had forgotten what it was like to be with someone who would give as
well as take. It had been a long time since I had made love with someone
who wanted to give pleasure to me as well as receive it themselves. It had
been a long time since I had made love where love was actually part of the
experience. I could tell it had been the same for her.
I am sure both of us had had some of the same feelings through this whole
situation. “What am I doing…Why don’t I stop this…..what sort of person is
this who would…..why aren’t they stopping me…..what are they going to
think….will they think that I am the sort of person who……”
But in talking later, neither of us had any regrets about that afternoon.
We eventually moved from the couch to the bedroom. Hours went by…we
caressed, we kissed….we talked….we dreamed….I went down on her…she went
down on me…we made love numerous times….slowly the sun went down…we went
from afternoon to evening….and were totally unaware of the hours that
passed by, being consumed by each other.
She got up to go to the bathroom, when she came back I pulled her into my
lap and began to caress her breasts. She laid her head back and I began to
kiss and suck on her neck and caress her earlobe with my lips and tongue.
With one hand on her breast, I slipped the other hand down and began to
gently rub and caress her pussy. She turned around and faced me, and
pressed her breast into my mouth, and I began to suck it and nibble on her
nipples.
I lay down on the couch, and she got on top of me, rising up so that I
could see, feel and suck both of her breasts. This has always been one of
my favorite positions. I held them together and licked and sucked both
nipples at the same time. I could not get enough of her small, cute and
firm little titties. I had put enough hickies on them that they looked
bruised.
Sitting up, she guided my cock into her soft, tight and wet pussy. Now she
was in control, thrusting as I squeezed and sucked her breasts. The length
of time I could go before cumming was increasing, as there was almost
nothing left for me to cum with. We had made love so many times that
afternoon. She was so tight, one would have never guessed she has had 3
kids. It felt like being inside of a virgin.
We spent the entire day at her house, remaining nude, kissing, talking,
and dreaming. Later that evening we took turns taking a bath, one bathing
while the other sat there conversing. It was so strange…we sat there in
each other’s company, totally nude and felt comfortable, as if we had been
together for years. I felt peaceful and comfortable, and most of all,
happy.
We had not left the house for hours….no TV….no stereo…spending time
together was all the entertainment we had need for. We were up most of the
night….making love, talking, I don’t know of any subjects we left
untouched. We talked about our failed marriages, our kids, our childhoods,
our hopes and dreams, our fears. our likes and dislikes. We touched,
kissed, and tried almost everything to couples could do together. She was
so open…no inhibitions, and nothing was forbidden. It was an afternoon,
evening and night I will never forget.
The sun was coming up; I had never made it over to her friend’s house.
This bothered me…what must they think of me now….they would know that I
had never made it over….in fact…the entire time I was there I never once
made it to their house. Yet, all my stuff was there….It was with great
fear that I accompanied her to the house to get my belongings. I was
relieved that they were not home and I never once ran into them. It was
not that I was so ashamed of what we had done, as being uncomfortable with
what they would think of her. I would be leaving, if they thought I was a
terrible person, well, so be it. I really could not blame him much. But
she lived there and it was a very small town. It could get very
uncomfortable for her.
We drove around some the next day as she showed me the scenic sights of
the little town. She showed me a farm where she had once lived, and a
restaurant that she had made plans to treat me to that evening.
What a treat that turned out to be. She came out dressed in a little short
Fredericks dress and looked like a total knockout. We went to the
restaurant, which I think was the only one in the whole town. If I had
thought about it, I could have probably taken her to one in a larger
nearby city.
When the meal was over, she wanted to go out to the farm she had shown me
earlier. We had talked by email before I had ever met her about spending
one eve watching the sun set together. We took a blanket to sit on….and
well….one thing led to another….which was really something I think we both
had planned. But in Western Kansas, even in July, it can turn cool in the
evening. I helped her out of her dress, undid her bra and slid down her
panties and we made love.
It didn’t take us long to fire up the flames of passion. We spent another
night enjoying each other, and caressing each other, kissing and making
love. She gave amazing blow jobs, and I could not believe she actually
allowed me to cum in her mouth! There was not anything she would not allow
me to try; she was even willing to allow anal intercourse! But we decided
to save at least ONE thing for the Wedding night.
But she did have some inhibitions. I attempted to make HER cum…but each
time we got close…she would stop me….almost in a panic. It seems her ex
husband would get upset at her when that would occur…due to the “mess’ it
made. He had been an abusive person, and had mistreated her in so many
ways. The more I was around her, the more scars I could see. I just kept
telling her that I knew what would happen if we kept going, and it didn’t
bother me, that I liked it and it actually was a turn on for me. Even with
that, I had a hard time getting her to allow herself to go that far. But
finally she did, and then she was apologizing all over the place. I just
started kissing her and telling her that I enjoyed it and it didn’t bother
me, and how much I liked bringing her to that point. It took quite awhile
into our relationship before she found the confidence that I was not going
to be angry with her for reaching a climax and soaking the bed or even me.
My time was running out as I had to get back and go back to work. I had
been on vacation, and upon my return I was to start training for a new
job.. I was not looking forward to that, but I was looking forward to
getting into something other than what I was currently doing. I was not
sure exactly how the departure was going to go, and what our future course
of action was going to be. I was surprised when she asked to ride back
home with me…her son lived there, and she thought she could stay there for
awhile. I was glad to have the company for the long ride home. Little did
we know the twists and turns that we were going to go through over the
next couple of years. But we made it through….and we are happy and glad to
be together.
So I came away from there with much more than I expected. Funny how you
envision how something is going to go, and you seldom have it go as you
pictured. Funny how you can go someplace with a list of fears…and come
back with a totally different list. I still feel a little bad that my
self-control was so weak…and glad that she didn’t run me off the first
time I made a wrong move. But I would not change a thing. It’s funny,
there was not one time that we made love that I gave any thought to the
fact that she could get pregnant. I wasn’t using anything, and never took
time to find out if she was or not. It is just as amazing that she didn’t
worry about the same thing. I don’t know why we never did worry about
that, probably because she was going through “the change” We got married
and two years later she did get pregnant and we ended up with a little boy
whom we treasure.
So that is how it began, and the chapters are still being written. There
have been some fantastic times, and times we did things so kinky I still
find it hard to believe. There have been hard times, and times we both
wondered if we’d make it…or if we even wanted to….but the part of us that
did was so much stronger than any part of us that didn’t. We stuck it out
and we have always been glad we did.
There will always be tough times. Life is full of uncertainty and we can
find ourselves feeling small and insecure. But through financial and
employment issues, family issues, health issues, we have grown stronger
and have now been married almost 12 years. We never lost our faith in God
or our love and faith in each other. That is what keeps people together.
Keeping their faith, and not giving up each other. The issues we face are
always resolved in due time if we continue on that faith and stay strong
and confident, enjoying the gift of each other that God gave to us. |
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