|
I saw him again and I... well I was grateful. He
brightened up my day. He walked around in his white oxford shirt... chest
pounding inside it. His pectorals sought absolution from virginity as word
spread throughout campus he was still one.
My underwear became wet again. Shame on me for my thoughts. I had to go
and pray again hoping for my own absolution from all the impure thoughts
that scattered within my impure soul.
I kept my head down as if I thanked and prayed for goodness through out
the world and locally too, but when I was alone the vision of him in his
white oxford shirt and slacks bestowed upon me the ugliest of ideas set
loose to ravage my soul.
The devil was relentless. He tried to devastate my mind and its thoughts.
I did not want him nearby but it was no longer an easy task. He filled not
only my mind but also my soul; my body as well. Late at night when I read
the holy book I’d continually set it aside only to see his smiling eyes
looking at me. He’d say hello.
In truth he doesn’t know I exist for he is there for one purpose only.
That is to teach the young minds what they seek; to answer questions
needing answered. Me, I am a simple cog in the world albeit gods world,
but now I have strayed from my given goals in life.
I have discovered I need more then what has been laid before me. I
discovered I yearn for more then what the devout society I belong to
offers me. I determined I yearn for so much more all of a sudden. I yearn
to discover the contents beneath his white oxford shirt that man wears
every day he walks around campus.
With my head bowed to the ground my eyes do not. I know his presence when
he is around. I hear it. I feel his great presence when I hear his walk.
It is noticeable. It is majestic but it is modest in design. He is not
pompous. He is genuinely nice.
Mr. Tom Jenkins is our economics professor. I am Sister Catherine
Sardinia. I came from Southern Florida at the age of 12 knowing early on I
would be a nun. All my life I knew where I would be once I grew up. I knew
from early on my heart and soul was for the almighty lord until suddenly
this past year.
Something terrifying struck within me and it took weeks for me to
understand it. It took weeks to discover the chaos running rampantly with
in me. I felt the riveting emotions terrifying and taking hold of me in
ways I couldn’t understand.
One night I awoke in a cold sweat. Visions of the dream I came out of
ravaged me afterwards. I could not shake him from the spheres of my mind
and imagination. He took hold of me, pulled me against his white sheathed
frame and Mr. Tom Jenkins kindly exposed me to unholy and immoral acts I
wish not to speak of here.
He made me scream in fear but ecstasy as well. It was only a dream, but I
felt a burning passion for the dream to come back repeatedly and each
night once I drifted off to sleep.
“Ohhhh Tom do it again” I shouted only in my thoughts. “Come to me, pull
me against you, and yes ohh my god yes do it again for me will you please?
Make me yearn for that touch. Make me burn all over. Make me want to feel
myself all over. Force me to feel my underwear again knowing they will be
joyously soaking wet! Ohhh I can not say this aloud for it is blasphemy to
speak about it. It is so unholy and forbidden as a nun.”
“Ohh Tom bring my emotions to the surface. Bring them... no make them
surface within me. I want to feel what I desire! I want to feel all of it
every day Tom. Ohh Tom you have no idea the feelings I have within me for
you. Just the one single moment against your body... it was enough to make
me want to discover what I’ve been feeling.”
Suddenly my phone rang and I looked at my clock. It was 8:30 in the
morning. I hadn’t showered or dressed. I was running late. I should have
been to breakfast with the other sisters. I should have been in the
university’s office by that time. I should have been there to open the
doors. Everyone was waiting for me to unlock them.
“Nooo it’s okay Sister. Mr. Jenkins is here. He has a key. We’re fine
now.”
I quickly showered and put on my vestments. I hid my wet underwear. I
shoved them between the mattresses until later on. I carried two extra
pairs just in case. I hid them inside my vestments for safe keeping. I was
so harried I totally forgot to put on a brassiere.
It didn’t dawn on me that something felt unusual. Something felt odd but
airy underneath. I had no idea that I hadn’t put one on. However something
else occurred on that beautiful sunny morning.
I felt liberated; wholesome as many young ladies do. I felt something I
never felt. Ohh lord please ohh please forgive me, but I felt like a free
woman; free of responsibility for the entire day.
I felt as if I wanted to walk up to him, look him in the eyes, and
cheerfully say good morning as if it was going to be a spectacular day. I
wanted to treat him as a friend and confidant. I wanted to talk to him
like any normal human being might. I wanted to chat with him so he might
see a side of me which is that of a woman and not as a nun.
My breasts bounced generously as I walked steadfastly towards my office.
My mind was fixated on Tom’s face and especially his chest. His hidden
pectorals zoomed across my desiring intellect all too often. One moment I
was ashamed of myself; the next moment I found myself yearning to caress
his handsome manly chest.
I wanted him to know I thought he was very, very handsome. Ohhh... I can’t
believe I wrote this. But since I did; it feels well it feels wonderful!
He is such a sexy man. I wrote that word! He is a very sexy looking man
and he seems sensuous as well!
“Ohhh forgive me please forgive me lord for my unholy and impure thoughts”
I said quietly. Only in the office ten minutes I sat at my desk knowing
what was next. “Forgive me... forgive me please” I said aloud.
Everyone turned towards me wondering what I just said aloud. I didn’t
speak up, but it was loud enough.
I got up and walked out telling everyone I’d be back soon. “Please forgive
me. I am already... ohhh lord I am wet again! I am wet again and in my
vagina too. Ohhh I am sooo soooo ashamed of myself.” I cried silently. “I
must go and pray again for forgiveness.”
I prayed but the emotions within me were just too strong too ignore. I saw
him over and over in my mind. I saw the chiseled looks. I saw him standing
before me even though he wasn’t. I saw his mighty torso formed underneath
his crisp white oxford shirt. His chest... ohhhh his chest was soooo dare
I say it? Dare I say how it makes me feel; how it looks?
An invitation was sent out to the administration and staff. The invitation
was for a prayer meeting. It was my first invite. “That’s nice” I recalled
saying. I assumed it was on campus as others have been.
“Ohhhh noooo nooooo this can’t be” I bellowed. I remember the day I read
the invite while walking back to the compound. My heart pounded madly. My
body lost control of its bodily functions practically. I felt a weakness
everywhere. I began to crumble. I began to perspire. I felt I was on the
verge of something so impure that I didn’t feel worthy of being a nun.
I whisked myself away to my room and dropped to my knees. Clasping my
hands with my rosary between them I tried focusing. I prayed but to no
avail. It was worthless. It was hopeless. I had a raging and burning
desire to communicate one on one with him.
My underwear were soaked by the time I stood up. I sat on my bed. I pulled
up my vestments. I removed the wet underwear. I took soap and washed them
out. I inconspicuously hung them in my shower. I cleaned up and put on
another pair.
I felt I had to say something to someone, but I knew I couldn’t. This
“relationship” was too much to ignore. I wanted to be close to Tom
Jenkins; I wanted him to know I had feelings for him. How ohhh how could I
tell him or show him; I had no idea how to resolve my predicament.
I took a leave of my position for three days. I walked and walked and I
walked silently in prayer but still I was ravaged by the vision of his
presence nearby me. On the one hand I saw his lean figure, but on the
other hand I saw the broad thick chest and set of shoulders calling me
repeatedly. My body “drooled” for him and his body. I wished I could tell
him how much I enjoyed being in his company.
Finally after walking for 2 days it came to me! I knew what to do. It was
crazy! It was ridiculous! It was illogical but I knew it could work or so
I thought. I would divert from all my principles and morals I stood by all
those years.
I was greeted at the door with a conservative but welcoming smile. He
ushered me in. I said hello to everyone I knew there and I was introduced
to a few others I didn’t know. 8 women and 4 men including Tom and myself
were there.
Everyone including me brought rosaries and bibles. We shared in tea,
coffee, or juice. It was a nice affair. We prayed together nicely and held
hands often. I sat across from him.
I learned the art well. My head was bowed but my eyes peered towards him
and his chest. He wore a wonderful looking polo shirt. The knit material
stretched beautifully across his upper body accentuating the muscular
structure he sported all too well.
“Ohhhh my god” I told myself. “It is happening again. No! Noooo” I said to
myself shaking my head in disgust as I prayed along with everyone.
“Fortunately no ones noticed. Fortunately everyone is in deep prayer.” All
hands were on ones laps while holding their rosaries.
It was shameful and unavoidable, but suddenly something unexpected
happened.
“Ohh” I recalled murmuring. I happened to notice nobody looked up. “Ohhh”
I murmured again by accident. I was dripping profusely. My underwear
caught about 75 percent of it; my leg and vestments caught the remainder.
I felt mortified; everyone looked at me. A roomful of querying eyes
scoured me intensely. It was shameful. From that point on I could not
focus on our purpose. My mind was elsewhere. The proximity of which was
straight across from me.
I felt myself again ravaged by devilish tortures which presented my world
with amoral suggestions. I did not wish to be a victim, but still I wanted
our devilish fiend to know I continued to yearn for Tom’s presence. I
wanted to feel his presence as I have in my dreams. I wanted to feel his
energy. I wanted to feel any way I could get it.
Underneath my vestment I wore another outfit. It was an older one but
still rather fashionable I believe by comparison. I had on a long pencil
skirt which came down just above my knees. Also I wore a light blue blouse
which unfortunately due to unexpected weight gain had gripped my older yet
youthful looking figure more then expected.
Hence it pulled at me a little too much. It showed off too much of my
modest sized bosoms I think. I was uncomfortable in that respect. I did
not wish it, but I couldn’t help it either other then to have not put it
on in the first place. It was my plan to stay after and talk with Tom. It
was my goal to find out if there was any chemistry between us.
Still young and alive I could feel my breasts tingling as did my vagina. I
wanted the prayer service to be over. While everyone sat in prayer I did
too, but my prayers were for the evening to go quickly and for the other
guests to leave. I was selfish but I didn’t care. I needed to go to the
bathroom. I needed to change my soaked underwear. I was still oozing a
lot. I needed it to stop. It wreaked havoc on me and I didn’t understand
why.
Finally an hour and a half later and we were done. Many left right away
while some stayed and chatted. I was overwhelmed by my inner emotions. I
went to the bathroom again and cleaned up. They were wet again and I was
astounded. I used my vestments to clean up but it was virtually useless. I
had no recourse against my impure desires.
I was at his mercy or the devils or whatever. I wanted him to know my
desires. I freshened up and when I came out it was quiet.
Everyone was gone. Except for him and me the house was empty. It was
desolate. It was beautiful. Again, I felt my vagina engorged with
incredible desire. I yearned to tell him everything that I’ve felt over
the last few months since he came into our department.
“Are you alright Sister” he asked with great concern on his face.
I told him I was fine as my voice suddenly quivered at the notion he and I
were alone.
“Are you sure” he asked. “You look so pale; let me get you something. What
can I get you” he asked looking me square in the face.
When his eyes pierced mine I knew at that exact moment what I needed. It
came to me like a meteor out of control. It hit me like a rock hits a pane
of glass. It shattered my belief in my convictions. They no longer existed
for me.
My loins burned for him and I to be together... intimately! I never felt
so strongly for anything ever in my life. Not even when I prayed to god to
convince myself being a nun was what I wanted for the rest of my life.
Being with him and letting him know I wanted to be with him was so heavily
embedded in my mind suddenly that somehow I didn’t even consider it a
challenge to my faith. I just knew I wanted Tom and me to be with each
other. I wanted to express all the thoughts and feelings I’ve had and
dreamed about.
“I am fine Tom but thank you for asking.”
He did most of the talking while I only talked a little other then answer
his questions. I washed dishes as he brought the cups and plates in.
All along I kept telling myself “Take it off. Go on it will be fine; take
it off.”
On his third trip in Tom stopped abruptly. At the doorway he stared in
disbelief. Standing before him was me in my grey pencil skirt; a tad too
small it hugged my hips far too much. My light blue blouse stared back at
him. My body was far too noticeable shape wise, but somehow I felt
relieved. I felt liberated like I did the other day when I ran off to work
without wearing a brassier.
“Uhhh Sister uhhh do you ummm... are you allowed to uhh wear secular
outfits?”
I have now idea what he was thinking but I felt alive! I felt like I was a
born again woman who was expressing emotions pent up for decades. It had
been 10 years since I entered the convent, but this one moment, this one
evening, and that one question lit me up! My soul was lit up and I knew
deep inside we were destined to be “one” some way or another!
My heart rattled me while my stomach was in turmoil. Between my untouched
legs a thunderous and pulsating resurrection was prevalent. Sending
signals to me I felt it while hearing myself saying “You want to turn
around and tell him... so tell him. You want to turn around and walk up to
him... so do it. You want to feel him... so go and do it if that’s what
you desire Catherine!”
Boldly I turned around but my head and eyes faced the ground. I felt a
surging energy within while I slowly oozed as well. I worked up the
gumption to tell him what I’ve felt for so long.
I ignored what was going on down below. I used what strength I had within
me to tell him how I felt about him. I hoped to hear him say “May I say
something Sister? I would like to tell you something but somehow fear it
would be entirely out of line; entirely inappropriate.”
My eyes were still focused on the kitchen floor. He still stood in the
doorway holding the last few plates and cups.
“Say something Tom; say anything at all please Tom please!”
My heart beat rapidly. I felt the thundering beat between my thighs. The
same pulsating rumbling spread meticulously towards my stomach and
elsewhere. I yearned for our eyes to meet. I yearned for a connection once
they did. I yearned for a shared union of souls and emotions. I desired
his soothing voice to say something complimentary while wishing I could
say something enticing to him.
Silence ensued as his eyes remained on me. “Sister what’s wrong” he
suddenly asked breaking the silence. “What troubles you” he asked.
Slowly I looked up. I showed fear in my eyes. I showed desire as well, but
I did not think he saw it in me. I did not think he knew it existed and I
continued to tremble.
My underwear continued to get wetter. My face winced because of my desire
for him and my underwear getting wetter and wetter. He walked towards me
putting the plates down on the counter.
Taking me by my arms and side he said “Sit down before you pass out.”
He touched me! Ohhhh god his hands touched my body. His hand felt my side!
Oh lord it was... it was when he touched my side that it was the most
energizing moment yet. I wanted to look into his face; into his eyes. I
wanted to look at his chest. I wanted to touch it immediately. That would
have let him know exactly how I felt about him.
He poured me a glass of water and sat next to me. I could feel a powerful
energy coursing from him. I felt it I thought; dare I write it? I felt
the... his desires. I felt a sexual energy engulfing me. I cringed while
yearning for his touch.
His sexual energy lifted me emotionally and spiritually! I knew what I
needed to do.
I pulled myself together and looked directly into Tom’s eyes. They were
all over me for a moment. Quickly they recoiled and looked straight at my
face. He wore an unusual look of concern.
“Tom” I started off slowly “ummm do you... well no you probably don’t. I
have to tell you something that’s troubled me for a long time.”
He didn’t say a word. His look of concern said what it needed to say.
“Tom” I began to say again slowly “I want you to know something about me.
I dream... I dream about you and... well you and”
He cocked his head as his eyebrows raised up. He squinted and said “Huh
what?”
I closed my eyes in shame. My head dropped again. I was so embarrassed.
In the gentlest of tones he lifted my spirits. “It happens to lots of
people Sister. I think it does. It happens to more people then you think.”
“Noooo Tom” I told him emphatically. “I dream about us! I dream about us
in... in well in the most impure ways. The pain I hold is way too great
Tom to not tell you I have them. I am so ashamed and embarrassed and I’ve
sought forgiveness sooo many times during the last few weeks. It is
unbelievable” I told him disgracefully.
“Oh” was his first reply.
I looked into his eyes seeking approval. I sought mercy from him too. I
sought his compassion. I sought out the chemistry I hoped existed in the
first place between us. I felt a sweltering desire all over me.
I felt a portion of me tightening up as I dripped and dripped bountifully!
It felt horrible! I was terrified! I was also enlightened in ways I never
quite understood.
His hand came to rest on my lap discreetly. It covered my hands which were
folded and I looked up at him. He neither smiled nor did he grimace. It
was a solemn glance. It was a look of peace but it said so much to me.
Suddenly I calmed down. Suddenly I felt at ease. Suddenly my body stopped
behaving erratically as it had been all night. Eventually I didn’t need to
worry about my underwear.
His eyes consoled my soul. His eyes comforted me. His eyes peered into my
soul somehow and I felt relaxed. I knew what I wanted more then ever.
“Do you feel better now” he asked in a comforting voice.
“I don’t know” because I didn’t know.
“I can make it all seem better; I think I can Sister.”
“How” I asked myself. I wondered how could make me feel better.
He told me to hold on and he’d be right back. He came back, but didn’t
have anything with him, he didn’t change anything, and so I wasn’t sure
what was going on.
“I wanted to show you something but decided not to” he told me. “I didn’t
think it was appropriate for you to read. See dreams are dreams Sister;
that’s all they are and you know that. They mean nothing”
“No Tom they do mean something. They do mean something relevant and
they... well to me they do Tom” I remember telling him passionately.
Every sensation that halted inside me, every riveting emotion that
affected me throughout the day and past week, and all the poignant
challenges which ravaged me started to affect me as quickly as they had
disappeared earlier.
My legs tensed up. My stomach felt queasy. I felt my vagina begin to swell
again and I felt my underwear begin to get wet as soon as he said “See
dreams are dreams Sister; that’s all they are and you know that. They mean
nothing.”
I knew what I felt and exactly how I felt. I knew the consequences and
ramifications of all my inner most thoughts and emotions. I knew what my
dreams meant. I knew exactly what it was I was feeling all along.
Tom aroused me everywhere. His presence turned me on like any normal woman
might be turned on and I wanted him to know just how horny I had been
during the weeks I had dreamt about him and I.
I surged with pleasure. My body ached. I could no longer hold it in me. My
eyes were closed and I looked towards my lap. I had to tell him! I had to
let him know! He had to know what I felt! He just had to know!
Suddenly his hand touched my lap; not my hands but my lap.
My heart, soul, and vagina exploded with a sacrilegious perversion. I felt
as if I had to rip off my clothes and give my soul and body to Tom. I felt
an inner most compulsion to make sure he knew all of my desires.
All of a sudden my eyes and head looked him square in the face. “Tom ohhhh
Tom I want you Tom” but I stood up, grabbed my vestment, and in shame I
collected my belongings and ran out of his house.
I let him know what I felt and left it at that. I cried the whole way
home. I stopped to put on my vestments in a deserted lot and drove back to
the convent. I saw no one and no one saw me. Once home I removed my
clothing and showered immediately.
Then I knelt and prayed for forgiveness.
It was 9 in the evening. The phone rang. It was Tom.
“I can’t talk here” I told him. I am so sooooo sorry I told you that. I
have sinned Tom and I need to go and”
“No you haven’t” he told me. “You like me and I have to tell you
something. I have to tell you the truth. Come to my house for another
prayer service tomorrow. I want to tell you something. Wear whatever you
want to wear Sister. Everything is going to be fine; trust me Sister you
will love tomorrow night I think.”
I couldn’t imagine what he had planned. I did not sleep but three hours. I
was worried. I went into work the next day, opened up the office, and left
before he arrived. I chatted with everyone asking if they all had a nice
time the night before and left.
I wanted to be alone. I need to get away. I went and did something I never
should have done. I went shopping for undergarments I had no business
shopping for. I wanted that night to be a special evening.
On my way back I saw Mother Victoria. She saw me. She walked towards my
car. I knew she wanted to talk. She told me she did earlier that week. I
knew I needed to talk too. I knew deep down I had to rid myself of my
sins. On one hand I yearned for him but on the other hand I had to rid
myself of him and my desires for him too. |
|
|
